moving on.
Its not hard. It's impossible. It isn't even a thing. Just when you think you might not be over IT (that thing, event, person, situation, whatever you are trying/wishing/hoping to move on FROM), but can actually get through a small period of time without IT overwhelming you, taking your breath away and forcing you to relive the moments (painful and joyful alike) that surround IT, that's when IT sneaks back out in all it's glory and let's you know it's still there...
What's your IT?
for me and my family, we all feel IT to some extent especially on Thanksgiving because that's when IT happened: we lost dad and grandpa only days apart. It was 11 years ago but it may as well have been yesterday. Their presence is missed on holidays, but Thanksgiving is the hardest.
Sometimes you don't even realize IT has taken over... you feel lethargic, grumpy, irritable, off but can't figure out why. Today it was my 5 year old that reminded me of the other IT that makes me hate holidays...
I was arguing with Jake and told Amelia playfully "Don't ever have a brother!"
She stopped and looked at me. "Mom, I already have a brother, he's in heaven, remember?"
I stopped stirring whatever Thanksgiving dish I was creating at the time. My breath caught.
"Yah, baby, I remember."
And the memories hit me like a flood.
Our thanksgiving table feels so empty now.
Her bedroom feels like a dark void. It took so long for her to fall asleep... she hates being an only child. sleeping alone.
She was made to have siblings... 4 of them. But they didn't get to stay with us.She never even got to meet them. I didn't get to hold them.
So she tells me tonight (after the 4th "GO TO BED, CHILD!")
"I had a HORRIBLE Thanksgiving, Mom." Me, too, baby, I think as I tuck her into bed (again).
Maybe next year will be better, maybe not. Probably it will in many ways. Matthew will be employed again, Our health situations (probably) won't be scary and unpredictable. Amelia will be older and less defiant. I'll plan dinner better so we aren't eating 3 hours after we said we would be eating... But will the pain of loss be less? Will we have moved on from IT? Will the table feel less empty, the quiet less eerie? maybe. I don't know. I lost Dad 11 years ago but I still catch myself wanting to call him and tell him Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. I still dream that I wake up back in my house in Colorado and he's there and all this has just been a long weird dream... But it doesn't consume my every waking hour. The tears don't come in waves anymore. The pain has settled in. Moved to a deep place in my soul. It's become familiar, like an old scar. It's part of me now.
So forgive me if I don't feel like celebrating this year. It's just a little harder right now. I'm weighed down by IT and all the worries of our current situation. There's too much hurt in the world. Too little love. Too little community and life and joy. But I don't feel like doing anything about it today. I don't feel like wrapping it up in a nice little bow for you, dear reader. I just want to crawl back into bed and fall asleep with the glimmer of hope that tomorrow will be better - not perfect, just manageable.
Tomorrow I might visit our new neighbor and make sure she's doing OK while her husband is deployed. I might call a friend just to say hi. I might encourage a mom on Facebook who feels scared and alone and doesn't know what to do next. I might do something to bring life, and light and joy, and hope into my world to outshine the darkness and the ITs. But not today. Today I grieve. Today I sit with the mourners. Today I sleep through the sharp ache in my heart that reminds me it is good to love and be loved no matter how long...
23 November 2017
31 January 2015
late night ponderings
tonight as i sat with amelia while she fell asleep, wild thoughts accosted my fragile, exhausted mind.
thoughts about our future. thoughts about my dreams and aspirations for amelia's future.
i had always pictured my life (since before i can remember) as a wife and a mom with a little house with a white picket fence and a dog. nothing fancy or special, but i wanted something i didn't have a lot of in my formative years: stability. the sense of being able to say where home is and to go there after a long hard day. sure i had nice houses and was always well taken care of, but where we lived changed often, especially as i got older and life got complicated. i wanted amelia to have a sense of continuity in her education ... not moving from school to school like my brother and I did...
but tonight as i sat by her bed and watched her breathing slowly as she fell into a deep sleep, i realized that maybe i was wrong. not wrong to want stability and a good life for my daughter, but perhaps... just perhaps... i could be wrong about what that stability should look like.
do i want her to be safe and comfortable in her community of friends and small town life? or do i want her to be comfortable in her own skin, sure of herself, of who she is and what she wants out of life? do i want her to have a solid education without any gaps or do i want her to be educated, cultured, by experiences like travel, making new friends, trying new things?
i don't want to move around always trying to find the next best thing, always dissatisfied with where I'm at, never content. i want to learn, and eventually be able to teach and pass on the skills of being content in all situations, of adapting to new situations and being flexible with all life throws at us. i want to learn how to be a good traveler in life's journey and for my daughter to gain a love for adventure and an appreciation for the beauty and diversity in our vast and yet small world.
maybe this realization is really just me letting go a little of my idea of how things should be, a shedding of my old dreams and hopes for my family and an embracing of a new and possibly better future. we can't move forward until we've let go of the past. this is me. letting go. moving on. it's the best i've got and i'm praying it's enough.
thoughts about our future. thoughts about my dreams and aspirations for amelia's future.
i had always pictured my life (since before i can remember) as a wife and a mom with a little house with a white picket fence and a dog. nothing fancy or special, but i wanted something i didn't have a lot of in my formative years: stability. the sense of being able to say where home is and to go there after a long hard day. sure i had nice houses and was always well taken care of, but where we lived changed often, especially as i got older and life got complicated. i wanted amelia to have a sense of continuity in her education ... not moving from school to school like my brother and I did...
but tonight as i sat by her bed and watched her breathing slowly as she fell into a deep sleep, i realized that maybe i was wrong. not wrong to want stability and a good life for my daughter, but perhaps... just perhaps... i could be wrong about what that stability should look like.
do i want her to be safe and comfortable in her community of friends and small town life? or do i want her to be comfortable in her own skin, sure of herself, of who she is and what she wants out of life? do i want her to have a solid education without any gaps or do i want her to be educated, cultured, by experiences like travel, making new friends, trying new things?
i don't want to move around always trying to find the next best thing, always dissatisfied with where I'm at, never content. i want to learn, and eventually be able to teach and pass on the skills of being content in all situations, of adapting to new situations and being flexible with all life throws at us. i want to learn how to be a good traveler in life's journey and for my daughter to gain a love for adventure and an appreciation for the beauty and diversity in our vast and yet small world.
maybe this realization is really just me letting go a little of my idea of how things should be, a shedding of my old dreams and hopes for my family and an embracing of a new and possibly better future. we can't move forward until we've let go of the past. this is me. letting go. moving on. it's the best i've got and i'm praying it's enough.
18 November 2014
Is it enough?
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s
why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships,
persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak,
then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT)
I came across this verse this morning while reading my daily devotional subscription from Rest Ministries. (If you haven't checked them out yet I HIGHLY recommend it! They have great Christian resources for caregivers and those suffering chronic illness.) Immediately the question rose up in me:
Is it enough?
Is God's grace REALLY enough?
Is it all I need?
Is God really all I need?
These days I need a lot of support to make every day life possible... daycare for Amelia because I lack the strength and energy to keep up with her vibrant two year old self, medications for prevention and medications for pain management, a house cleaner every few months is turning into every few weeks as the fibromyalgia flares become more frequent and more severe, not to mention the emotional support of friends and family to get me through the fibro fog and depression that threatens to consume me every day...
How can I say His Grace is all I need when I also need all of these things? What about the healing that my body needs? What about the rain my whole state needs since the drought has been so severe this year? What about the empty pews at church that need to be filled? What about Amelia needing her mom to get out of bed to play with her so she doesn't have to spend another long day at daycare?
Is His Grace sufficient for all of these needs?
But then I remember how God has provided for us financially these last few months. And I remember how much Amelia loves to play with her friends at daycare and the incredible Christian women who work there are doing a fabulous job of teaching her not only great social and academic skills, but imprinting on her young mind Biblical Truths and Spiritual Disciplines. And how can I forget the way God has orchestrated all of my meetings in the past few years to put sweet friends in my life that can pick up the slack for me on my hardest days... taking Amelia to daycare or cleaning my house or just coming over for a chat when I can't get out of bed and am smothering in depression.
These are the gifts of a good Father. These are the ways He displays His power in my weakness. His faithfulness in my doubt. His mercy in my pain. It is here, while I am stuck in this bed, that I read stories on facebook that encourage me and lift my spirits. It is here that I type out notes of encouragement and hope to others. It is from here that I can see down the hall and into the living room and watch my husband develop an unshakable and beautiful bond with my daughter as they learn to work and play together. It is here that my daughter learns about compassion and care for the chronically ill. It is in this bed that my body is still and my eyes look toward the heavens and I can have long talks with my Father. This bed that was a generous gift from my in-laws. That is comfortable and supportive and ... enough.
Enough.
Just like God's grace.
Sufficient.
All I need.
Yes, there may be pain in my body today, but this is only an opportunity for God to display His power, His Grace, His love. It is here in my weakest hour that I am strongest because I rely fully on His Strength. On His provision. On His Grace.And yes, it is enough for today.
"Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:25-3 NLT
I came across this verse this morning while reading my daily devotional subscription from Rest Ministries. (If you haven't checked them out yet I HIGHLY recommend it! They have great Christian resources for caregivers and those suffering chronic illness.) Immediately the question rose up in me:
Is it enough?
Is God's grace REALLY enough?
Is it all I need?
Is God really all I need?
These days I need a lot of support to make every day life possible... daycare for Amelia because I lack the strength and energy to keep up with her vibrant two year old self, medications for prevention and medications for pain management, a house cleaner every few months is turning into every few weeks as the fibromyalgia flares become more frequent and more severe, not to mention the emotional support of friends and family to get me through the fibro fog and depression that threatens to consume me every day...
How can I say His Grace is all I need when I also need all of these things? What about the healing that my body needs? What about the rain my whole state needs since the drought has been so severe this year? What about the empty pews at church that need to be filled? What about Amelia needing her mom to get out of bed to play with her so she doesn't have to spend another long day at daycare?
Is His Grace sufficient for all of these needs?
But then I remember how God has provided for us financially these last few months. And I remember how much Amelia loves to play with her friends at daycare and the incredible Christian women who work there are doing a fabulous job of teaching her not only great social and academic skills, but imprinting on her young mind Biblical Truths and Spiritual Disciplines. And how can I forget the way God has orchestrated all of my meetings in the past few years to put sweet friends in my life that can pick up the slack for me on my hardest days... taking Amelia to daycare or cleaning my house or just coming over for a chat when I can't get out of bed and am smothering in depression.
These are the gifts of a good Father. These are the ways He displays His power in my weakness. His faithfulness in my doubt. His mercy in my pain. It is here, while I am stuck in this bed, that I read stories on facebook that encourage me and lift my spirits. It is here that I type out notes of encouragement and hope to others. It is from here that I can see down the hall and into the living room and watch my husband develop an unshakable and beautiful bond with my daughter as they learn to work and play together. It is here that my daughter learns about compassion and care for the chronically ill. It is in this bed that my body is still and my eyes look toward the heavens and I can have long talks with my Father. This bed that was a generous gift from my in-laws. That is comfortable and supportive and ... enough.
Enough.
Just like God's grace.
Sufficient.
All I need.
Yes, there may be pain in my body today, but this is only an opportunity for God to display His power, His Grace, His love. It is here in my weakest hour that I am strongest because I rely fully on His Strength. On His provision. On His Grace.And yes, it is enough for today.
"Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:25-3 NLT
15 August 2013
Letting Go and Looking Up
We have decided to postpone our Vision Trip to Indonesia indefinitely.
My health has continued to decline to the point where it would be impossible for me to go.
Unable to follow the dream, I am letting go of all I had planned for the future. But I am looking up because I know where my help comes from.
I believe God has a plan and that He will use this illness. I believe He will carry me through the dark night and that I am not alone. I may feel alone and I can't see clearly all the time, but I hold on to the TRUTH: He is GOOD. He is FAITHFUL. He is With Us. He is Healer. He is Provider. He is Good.
Since I started this blog I've been sharing about one thing... following a dream God gave me to go to Indonesia. But it was never really about following a dream... I was just following God and the path He was showing me. The road may be changing, but the One who leads me never changes.
I don't know what this new journey will hold but I'm sure it will be interesting! So keep following and let's see where He takes us!
My health has continued to decline to the point where it would be impossible for me to go.
Unable to follow the dream, I am letting go of all I had planned for the future. But I am looking up because I know where my help comes from.
I believe God has a plan and that He will use this illness. I believe He will carry me through the dark night and that I am not alone. I may feel alone and I can't see clearly all the time, but I hold on to the TRUTH: He is GOOD. He is FAITHFUL. He is With Us. He is Healer. He is Provider. He is Good.
Since I started this blog I've been sharing about one thing... following a dream God gave me to go to Indonesia. But it was never really about following a dream... I was just following God and the path He was showing me. The road may be changing, but the One who leads me never changes.
I don't know what this new journey will hold but I'm sure it will be interesting! So keep following and let's see where He takes us!
17 July 2013
believing God for what we cannot see
I know it's time for a new blog post ... and I want to give you all a good update... but I also believe in being honest about where we are because we are a community built on trust and faith and prayer.
so this is an update filled with prayer requests.
this is what has changed since the last update:
The fibromyalgia and chronic migraines have gotten worse. Like severe, bad, horrible, emergency room visits kind of worse. I'm bed bound more days than not. And I'm broken, humbled and hurting but trusting, hoping and waiting because even though my body aches my heart is believing that the healing IS coming. And I believe it will come before we leave for Indonesia this October. I don't know how or when but I KNOW it IS coming. "The Darker the Night, the Brighter the Day" as Kristene Mueller's Song Redemption says, and I can see the Dawn is coming!
Healing has happened! I have been completely healed of endometriosis. There is NO sign of it in my body! The doctors cannot explain it. There are no scars from my previous surgery. My uterus is whole and healthy! We are PRAISING God for this miracle and believing it is a sign of more healing coming to the rest of my body!
We are still planning our vision trip to Indonesia this October, but we are no longer going with a team... it will just be the three of us, so our cost for going has decreased significantly. We are also planning a simplified trip which may mean we stay on only one island for this trip. But we will have the same goals: to seek God regarding our future calling to Indonesia and to serve and minister at every opportunity.
We will be launching a fundraising campaign this Sunday so watch for more updates on how to give and please be praying with us that we will be able to purchase plane tickets SOON!
so this is an update filled with prayer requests.
this is what has changed since the last update:
The fibromyalgia and chronic migraines have gotten worse. Like severe, bad, horrible, emergency room visits kind of worse. I'm bed bound more days than not. And I'm broken, humbled and hurting but trusting, hoping and waiting because even though my body aches my heart is believing that the healing IS coming. And I believe it will come before we leave for Indonesia this October. I don't know how or when but I KNOW it IS coming. "The Darker the Night, the Brighter the Day" as Kristene Mueller's Song Redemption says, and I can see the Dawn is coming!
Healing has happened! I have been completely healed of endometriosis. There is NO sign of it in my body! The doctors cannot explain it. There are no scars from my previous surgery. My uterus is whole and healthy! We are PRAISING God for this miracle and believing it is a sign of more healing coming to the rest of my body!
We are still planning our vision trip to Indonesia this October, but we are no longer going with a team... it will just be the three of us, so our cost for going has decreased significantly. We are also planning a simplified trip which may mean we stay on only one island for this trip. But we will have the same goals: to seek God regarding our future calling to Indonesia and to serve and minister at every opportunity.
We will be launching a fundraising campaign this Sunday so watch for more updates on how to give and please be praying with us that we will be able to purchase plane tickets SOON!
07 May 2013
God Math
$10,000.
That is how much money we need to raise if we are going to go on our Vision Trip this October.
That is a lot of money.
No.... That's a lot of money to me.
It's not a lot of money to God.
That is what I have been wrestling about this week ... God Math.
If God says go, I go but how do I do that? How do we save that much money when we are just barely making it every month to pay bills and buy diapers? Do I find another job? Do I sit and wait for a magic check in the mail? These are the questions that have kept me up at night.
And the real question: Will we ever get enough money together to go to Indonesia or will I be disappointed again?
After
talking with Matthew last night and praying again this morning I feel
so strongly that this is the year that we do this! This is the year of
Redemption. This is the year of God’s promises fulfilled. My
devotional this morning was from Micah 4:10. “You will soon be sent
into exile... but the Lord will rescue you there, He will redeem you
from the grip of your enemies.” Although I have in many ways felt like
coming to Woodland was like being sent into exile (away from all that I
had known... all my family and friends) I know that God has used this
time to do an amazing redeeming work in my whole family. He has brought
us many new friends and brought so many good things into our lives
through this time. But Woodland is not home for us. It is not the
promised land. This is the time. It is time to go home...
My heart was sick. Very sick. Because for so long hope had been deferred. So when Matthew said “now is the time” I was apathetic. I didn’t want to hope again. But wrestling with my doubt has produced a new fire in me. A renewed desire to go. A fresh calling. A renewed commitment to the people of Indonesia. But my heart and mind is clearer now. I know this is not just me this time. This time The Lord is leading us just as He led the Israelites out of Egypt to the promised land. I’m following His leading. Trying to not run ahead. But my heart is excited again! I am alive! I am ready! Let’s go!
Okay, so I'm ready but the question remains: HOW? Well, friends, this is where YOU come in.
There are five members of our team. (including our precious one year old Amelia). Each of us needs to find 20 friends who are committed to partnering with us for this vision trip. It is a commitment to pray and a commitment to give. If each of us has 20 friends who can commit to giving $20 every month for the next five months then we will have all that we need. 20 friends is not that many. $20 is like a trip through the drive through with the family. Or One Starbucks a week. It is nothing. And yet it could change everything. I am calling this the 20-20-5 plan. 20 friends. $20. 5 months. So now there is a new question: Will you be One of my Twenty?
That, my friend, is a question for you to answer! You can let me know your answer by replying on the blog or emailing me. We are still putting together the tax deductible giving plan so I will forward you that information as soon as I have it. But if you want to pledge your $20 let me know! And Thank You for being One of my Twenty! (if you'd like to be one of Matthew or Amelia's Twenty that's great too! Just let me know in your message!).
10 April 2013
Vision Trip 2013
What else do I need to say? We are finally going on our vision trip to Indonesia in October of this year. All the years of praying and waiting and planning and dreaming ... and now the time has come. We have an awesome couple from our church that are going with us to support us as we seek God as a family and travel to the islands I have seen only in my dreams for the past 10 years...
Your prayers are appreciated as we continue praying, planning and fundraising for this adventure.
So far it looks like we will be gone about three weeks in late October/early November. We don't know exactly where in Indonesia we are going yet. We are still praying about the details. We need to raise a LOT of money because airfare is expensive (although much cheaper during our travel dates because it is the off-season). But everything seems to be working out for us to go this year, so we are trusting God for the provision for our whole team to go!
Your prayers are appreciated as we continue praying, planning and fundraising for this adventure.
So far it looks like we will be gone about three weeks in late October/early November. We don't know exactly where in Indonesia we are going yet. We are still praying about the details. We need to raise a LOT of money because airfare is expensive (although much cheaper during our travel dates because it is the off-season). But everything seems to be working out for us to go this year, so we are trusting God for the provision for our whole team to go!
05 January 2013
23 December 2012
Merry Christmas to customers, friends and family!
Dear Friends,
Happy Holidays from your favorite Premier Designs
Jewelry Lady!
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season
with your loved ones this year! The time
to purchase gifts for Christmas may be over, but jewelry is a great gift item
all year long! Our jewelry is high quality, high fashion jewelry with a golden
guarantee and a great
exchange policy so you won't be disappointed!
To help you start the New Year right, I’m offering my friends, family and past hostesses and customers this special now through January:
To help you start the New Year right, I’m offering my friends, family and past hostesses and customers this special now through January:
Every customer who purchases $75 or more will
receive any item
(up to $50 value!) for ONLY $5!!!
Also all watches AND rings are 30% off!!!
(up to $50 value!) for ONLY $5!!!
Also all watches AND rings are 30% off!!!
If you would like to see our line of jewelry
(hundreds of pieces for every woman, every age, every style!) just call or
email me and I will get a catalog to you ASAP!
Now is a GREAT time to get that something sparkly
you didn’t get at Christmas!
You can only get in on these specials if
you order by January 31st!
However, you can still earn a shopping spree on me
by passing around a catalog and collecting a few orders from some friends. I’ll even bring my jewelry playground to YOUR
house for you and a few of your VIP guests! Call me to schedule a personal home
show with me in January to earn up to 50% hostess benefits! Sales are great but
Free is better!
Thanks for being a valuable customer these past two
years! Here’s a little about what our
family has been able to do because of your support…
In February of this year, Amelia Ann Parsons joined
our little family! She was seven pounds
one ounce and a true joy. The miracle of
her story can be found in an earlier post on this blog.
In June, my “little” brother came to live with us
in Woodland. It’s been a difficult
transition for us all, but he is doing well as he explores life after high
school. Amelia LOVES her uncle! She lights up whenever he enters the room!
I still dream of going to Indonesia and serving
with Pioneers, but right now we are still working on getting healthy, paying
off debt, and taking care of family.
Your support has been vital through this journey of following the
dream. Thanks for your encouragement,
financial support and prayers. We couldn’t do this without you! Here's to an awesome 2013!
Dreaming with God for Indonesia,
Dreaming for Woodland
"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
This week my heart has been overwhelmed. With stress. With sadness. With longing. When you dream for so long that dream seems impossible and far away and you wonder if you will ever see your dream come to pass... but for some reason, I just keep following the dream and living each day the best I can just waiting...
But I'm kind of tired of just waiting. I need to DO something! And I'm here, in a city that DESPERATELY needs to know the Hope of Christ. At Christmas time especially there is an extra feeling of heaviness... of sadness... of loneliness. But there is a light in the darkness and a hope for the waiting and that is the good news of advent! And as I see brokenness all around me, a new dream is forming in my heart... a dream for the town of Woodland.
In this dream, the churches are united. Not just tolerating one another, not just ceasing the competition and bitterness that has ruled them for generations, but loving one another as family and coming together for a common purpose. I continue to meet people who refuse to go to church here because of the politics or they were hurt by one of the churches. This has to stop! I don't know how yet, but I know it starts with prayer and it starts with healing and forgiveness in my own heart for past situations in other congregations. Unity begins with selflessness. Setting aside our ideas of how it should be done and seeking God together. Praying until something happens. Only when we are able to press through this great division in the church will we see revival, hope and healing brought to the lost of this town.
I've had this dream mulling in the back of my head for a while, but it is becoming a heartfelt desire more and more. This past week a friend from our local church family spoke up on facebook about wanting to walk around Woodland and pray for people we come in contact with. Her desire to see God move in power through her struck a chord in me that said "it's time to take action!" I have started walking with her and we hope to go out several times every week with open hearts ready for whomever God places in our path that day.
My heart still aches and longs for Indonesia. But I am here now for a reason. And my purpose is to bring God's light and hope wherever I am not to just sit and wait for the day I can return to Indonesia. God has not abandoned me in this place until I can get my act together. He has placed me here intentionally out of love for the people here. And He is softening my heart towards them.
This week my heart has been overwhelmed. With stress. With sadness. With longing. When you dream for so long that dream seems impossible and far away and you wonder if you will ever see your dream come to pass... but for some reason, I just keep following the dream and living each day the best I can just waiting...
But I'm kind of tired of just waiting. I need to DO something! And I'm here, in a city that DESPERATELY needs to know the Hope of Christ. At Christmas time especially there is an extra feeling of heaviness... of sadness... of loneliness. But there is a light in the darkness and a hope for the waiting and that is the good news of advent! And as I see brokenness all around me, a new dream is forming in my heart... a dream for the town of Woodland.
In this dream, the churches are united. Not just tolerating one another, not just ceasing the competition and bitterness that has ruled them for generations, but loving one another as family and coming together for a common purpose. I continue to meet people who refuse to go to church here because of the politics or they were hurt by one of the churches. This has to stop! I don't know how yet, but I know it starts with prayer and it starts with healing and forgiveness in my own heart for past situations in other congregations. Unity begins with selflessness. Setting aside our ideas of how it should be done and seeking God together. Praying until something happens. Only when we are able to press through this great division in the church will we see revival, hope and healing brought to the lost of this town.
I've had this dream mulling in the back of my head for a while, but it is becoming a heartfelt desire more and more. This past week a friend from our local church family spoke up on facebook about wanting to walk around Woodland and pray for people we come in contact with. Her desire to see God move in power through her struck a chord in me that said "it's time to take action!" I have started walking with her and we hope to go out several times every week with open hearts ready for whomever God places in our path that day.
My heart still aches and longs for Indonesia. But I am here now for a reason. And my purpose is to bring God's light and hope wherever I am not to just sit and wait for the day I can return to Indonesia. God has not abandoned me in this place until I can get my act together. He has placed me here intentionally out of love for the people here. And He is softening my heart towards them.
22 September 2012
hope lives
this morning as I lay in bed while Matthew fed Amelia and put her back to bed
I started thinking
and remembering...
I remembered the Dream.
the one that started this blog.
the one that I have lived for these past few years.
the one about a child and a nation.
and I realized that dream was sleeping in the other room.
I remembered the part of my dream when I was holding my child's hand. I remember thinking about the big blue eyes and curly blond hair. After the miscarriages I thought the dream had died too. That child was lost forever and the one I had was different with a different plan for her life. But today I questioned that thought. My sweet Amelia Ann with her big blue eyes and curly blond hair. Maybe she will walk the islands with me... maybe she will be the catalyst to a great revival and change a nation. These maybe's are like sparks that start a fire of hope inside my weary heart. Hope that I can still participate in a dream I thought I had lost.
Hope is powerful.
Hope gives purpose.
Hope brings life.
Without it we are only dust.
God gives hope because He loves us and He loves the world.
God is good.
Hope is alive in my heart again.
This changes EVERYTHING!
I started thinking
and remembering...
I remembered the Dream.
the one that started this blog.
the one that I have lived for these past few years.
the one about a child and a nation.
and I realized that dream was sleeping in the other room.
I remembered the part of my dream when I was holding my child's hand. I remember thinking about the big blue eyes and curly blond hair. After the miscarriages I thought the dream had died too. That child was lost forever and the one I had was different with a different plan for her life. But today I questioned that thought. My sweet Amelia Ann with her big blue eyes and curly blond hair. Maybe she will walk the islands with me... maybe she will be the catalyst to a great revival and change a nation. These maybe's are like sparks that start a fire of hope inside my weary heart. Hope that I can still participate in a dream I thought I had lost.
Hope is powerful.
Hope gives purpose.
Hope brings life.
Without it we are only dust.
God gives hope because He loves us and He loves the world.
God is good.
Hope is alive in my heart again.
This changes EVERYTHING!
01 June 2012
alone
today as i stumble through my day with another migraine i try to imagine what life would be like if i wasn't quite so alone. with the closest family 2 hours away and busy with their own lives, and Matthew working full time and all his vacation and sick time used up, i find myself often doing it alone. feeding, changing, rocking baby alone at all hours of day and night. making meals, cleaning house, doing laundry, alone.
it's not that bad. i can enjoy some peace and quiet now and again. i enjoy being the queen of my domain. but on days like today when i can barely see through the pain of a splitting headache i wish i wasn't quite so alone. that there was someone i could call to sit with Amelia while i took a nap or a shower or caught up on writing invitations for next weeks' jewelry party...
i am jealous of my other mom friends who have a support system they can lean on. i'm still making friends here in this new town and can't call them whenever i am feeling miserable... and my family can't stop their lives to come down every few weeks to help me clean my house.
so what do i do? how can i live a normal life with these debilitating migraines taking over every few days? i need help. another family i can partner with. a support system that is closer than 2 hours away...
in the mean time, i pray for the migraine to go away today and that the baby will sleep a little longer at nap time so i can rest too...
it's not that bad. i can enjoy some peace and quiet now and again. i enjoy being the queen of my domain. but on days like today when i can barely see through the pain of a splitting headache i wish i wasn't quite so alone. that there was someone i could call to sit with Amelia while i took a nap or a shower or caught up on writing invitations for next weeks' jewelry party...
i am jealous of my other mom friends who have a support system they can lean on. i'm still making friends here in this new town and can't call them whenever i am feeling miserable... and my family can't stop their lives to come down every few weeks to help me clean my house.
so what do i do? how can i live a normal life with these debilitating migraines taking over every few days? i need help. another family i can partner with. a support system that is closer than 2 hours away...
in the mean time, i pray for the migraine to go away today and that the baby will sleep a little longer at nap time so i can rest too...
21 March 2012
sacrifice
It's time I admit it: I'm sad. I've been ignoring it, denying it for weeks, but it's time to move past denial and embrace the grieving process so I can move onto the rejoicing.
I love my little girl. I waited and prayed for her for a long time. But I lost a lot so I could have her.
I lost my friends, my family, my church so I could move to a town with better doctors. I even cut my hair so my focus could be entirely on her. My body is completely worn out from lack of sleep. I quit my business so I could spend all my time with her. I miss my friends, I miss my mom, I miss my jewelry. I miss my husband. Everything has changed since my baby girl came into our lives...
So, I'm a little sad. And I'm a bit overwhelmed. Having a sick baby is the most helpless feeling in the world. She demands all my attention, all my energy. Every bit of who I am is focused on her right now.
But it's just a phase. A season. She won't be sick forever. She will eventually learn breastfeeding is better than bottles. And soon I will get to have a few hours alone with my husband again... And it is all so worth it...
Those little toes and fingers... Those big blue eyes... The way she smiles as she drifts off to sleep...
The pain, the loss, the sacrifice is great, but the joy in those moments is greater than the sadness.
This is motherhood. This is my life. And I wouldn't trade it for the world...
I love my little girl. I waited and prayed for her for a long time. But I lost a lot so I could have her.
I lost my friends, my family, my church so I could move to a town with better doctors. I even cut my hair so my focus could be entirely on her. My body is completely worn out from lack of sleep. I quit my business so I could spend all my time with her. I miss my friends, I miss my mom, I miss my jewelry. I miss my husband. Everything has changed since my baby girl came into our lives...
So, I'm a little sad. And I'm a bit overwhelmed. Having a sick baby is the most helpless feeling in the world. She demands all my attention, all my energy. Every bit of who I am is focused on her right now.
But it's just a phase. A season. She won't be sick forever. She will eventually learn breastfeeding is better than bottles. And soon I will get to have a few hours alone with my husband again... And it is all so worth it...
Those little toes and fingers... Those big blue eyes... The way she smiles as she drifts off to sleep...
The pain, the loss, the sacrifice is great, but the joy in those moments is greater than the sadness.
This is motherhood. This is my life. And I wouldn't trade it for the world...
18 February 2012
Amelia Ann
I hope to be able to share the full story in the near future, but sleep is more precious at the moment and it is calling to me... I just wanted to give you all the quick update...
Amelia Ann Parsons has made her debut! She is a perfectly healthy little girl with a full head of hair! Our little miracle was born February 11th at 12:28am. She was 7 pounds 1.4 ounces and 18 3/4 inches long.
I can't believe a week has gone by already! We are still learning and figuring out our rhythm, but things are getting easier each day. My body is slowly recovering from a 2nd degree tear from her arm wanting to come out at the same time as her head and a left over blood clot in my uterus. She lost 10% of her birth weight in the first 4 days, but is gaining quickly now as she gets better at feeding each day.
Amelia Ann Parsons has made her debut! She is a perfectly healthy little girl with a full head of hair! Our little miracle was born February 11th at 12:28am. She was 7 pounds 1.4 ounces and 18 3/4 inches long.
I can't believe a week has gone by already! We are still learning and figuring out our rhythm, but things are getting easier each day. My body is slowly recovering from a 2nd degree tear from her arm wanting to come out at the same time as her head and a left over blood clot in my uterus. She lost 10% of her birth weight in the first 4 days, but is gaining quickly now as she gets better at feeding each day.
29 January 2012
It is 12:31am on Sunday, January 29th. Another late night. My body is tired, but my mind cannot rest. I am too full of anticipation and excitement! Soon... very, very soon... I will get to hold my little girl in my arms! My long awaited dream is about to come true and as much as I need the sleep, I cannot stop thinking about what it will be like to be a mother and to get the privilege of raising our dear Amelia Ann Parsons.
Although they have not changed her official due date, the doctors have decided to induce me at 39 weeks (less than 2 weeks away!) in order to prevent complications. The gestational diabetes is now being controlled with medication, which puts us in a higher risk category. Besides the weekly OB appointments, I also see the endocrinologist weekly now as well as having fetal monitoring twice weekly until she arrives. That's a minimum of four doctor visits per week! Not to mention I'm still seeing the ophthalmologist every 6 weeks to monitor the migraines and make sure there is no swelling behind my eyes.
If I'm not sleeping, eating, or at the doctor, I spend my time at home with last minute preparations for Amelia's arrival. The nursery is nearing readiness, although our little angel will be sleeping in our room for a while, so we are not rushing the process of creativity that will be expressed in her bedroom. Matthew has promised to paint her room and we have purchased butterfly and dragonfly stencils to aid in this task. We also have a dresser to assemble, and some curtains to hang.
The grandparents are preparing their schedules for the phone call that says come on down and see her. Despite their busy schedules, I know they are just as anxious as we are to hold her when she comes and they will do everything they can to make the trip down to be with us during this time...
Matthew has applied for a better paying position at the university to help cover baby costs and keep us on track financially. He has been an amazing support throughout this pregnancy, but especially these past few weeks as my anxiety has increased and my moods are ever changing. He is learning to sleep through all the noises of me being up at all hours of the night and even now I hear him snoring from the bedroom as I lay in the recliner and type this blog hoping sleep will come sooner than usual tonight.
Even Skippy, our Parsons Terrier Mix, is feeling our anticipation at this stage. If he isn't sleeping, he is by my side with his head on my belly listening to Amelia's heartbeat and feeling her movements. I know they are going to love each other! I can't wait to get pictures of them together!
Well, that is pretty much what is going on here.
As my belly gets bigger, so do my dreams. I know she will fill our home and our hearts with joy and in many ways she already has! I am so excited to see what the next months and years bring as Amelia joins us on this journey of following the dream....
Although they have not changed her official due date, the doctors have decided to induce me at 39 weeks (less than 2 weeks away!) in order to prevent complications. The gestational diabetes is now being controlled with medication, which puts us in a higher risk category. Besides the weekly OB appointments, I also see the endocrinologist weekly now as well as having fetal monitoring twice weekly until she arrives. That's a minimum of four doctor visits per week! Not to mention I'm still seeing the ophthalmologist every 6 weeks to monitor the migraines and make sure there is no swelling behind my eyes.
If I'm not sleeping, eating, or at the doctor, I spend my time at home with last minute preparations for Amelia's arrival. The nursery is nearing readiness, although our little angel will be sleeping in our room for a while, so we are not rushing the process of creativity that will be expressed in her bedroom. Matthew has promised to paint her room and we have purchased butterfly and dragonfly stencils to aid in this task. We also have a dresser to assemble, and some curtains to hang.
The grandparents are preparing their schedules for the phone call that says come on down and see her. Despite their busy schedules, I know they are just as anxious as we are to hold her when she comes and they will do everything they can to make the trip down to be with us during this time...
Matthew has applied for a better paying position at the university to help cover baby costs and keep us on track financially. He has been an amazing support throughout this pregnancy, but especially these past few weeks as my anxiety has increased and my moods are ever changing. He is learning to sleep through all the noises of me being up at all hours of the night and even now I hear him snoring from the bedroom as I lay in the recliner and type this blog hoping sleep will come sooner than usual tonight.
Even Skippy, our Parsons Terrier Mix, is feeling our anticipation at this stage. If he isn't sleeping, he is by my side with his head on my belly listening to Amelia's heartbeat and feeling her movements. I know they are going to love each other! I can't wait to get pictures of them together!
Well, that is pretty much what is going on here.
As my belly gets bigger, so do my dreams. I know she will fill our home and our hearts with joy and in many ways she already has! I am so excited to see what the next months and years bring as Amelia joins us on this journey of following the dream....
16 October 2011
Overdue Baby Update!
According to the latest ultrasound, we have a healthy baby GIRL!!! The placenta has risen to it's correct position, the gestational diabetes is well under control with diet, and baby is growing beautifully!!!
We are still working through the lists of baby names, but thought we'd give our readers the opportunity to contribute ideas to the list! Please leave ideas for baby girl names in the comments to this post!!! Thanks for your ideas!
I've also added a link to our baby registry for those interested... my brother is throwing us a shower Thanksgiving weekend. All the details are on the Registry site. We'd love to have you join us!
Okay... picture time!
We are still working through the lists of baby names, but thought we'd give our readers the opportunity to contribute ideas to the list! Please leave ideas for baby girl names in the comments to this post!!! Thanks for your ideas!
I've also added a link to our baby registry for those interested... my brother is throwing us a shower Thanksgiving weekend. All the details are on the Registry site. We'd love to have you join us!
Okay... picture time!
30 August 2011
Baby update
There's not much news to add to this update. Sometimes no news is good news. :)
The pregnancy continues to be going well. We are at 15 weeks and baby looks healthy. The only minor complications include gestational diabetes and a low placenta. They are not causing any issues at this time. We continue to pray for a healthy baby and a healthy mom during this pregnancy. My migraines have been coming and going as usual, but without the relief of pain medication I am learning new coping mechanisms. Also, the morning sickness has been fairly severe to this point and we are praying it will not continue very much longer! It is hard to eat healthy when you can't keep anything down! I also find myself getting dehydrated easily which can trigger migraines...
Okay. Enough talk. How about some pictures? :)
These are a few weeks old now. We should get some new ones at the beginning of October. Enjoy.
The pregnancy continues to be going well. We are at 15 weeks and baby looks healthy. The only minor complications include gestational diabetes and a low placenta. They are not causing any issues at this time. We continue to pray for a healthy baby and a healthy mom during this pregnancy. My migraines have been coming and going as usual, but without the relief of pain medication I am learning new coping mechanisms. Also, the morning sickness has been fairly severe to this point and we are praying it will not continue very much longer! It is hard to eat healthy when you can't keep anything down! I also find myself getting dehydrated easily which can trigger migraines...
Okay. Enough talk. How about some pictures? :)
These are a few weeks old now. We should get some new ones at the beginning of October. Enjoy.
17 July 2011
July 2011 Update
I am writing this update on a Virgin America flight on my way to Dallas Texas where I will spend the next several days surrounded by beautiful jewelry and inspiring individuals. The Premier Designs National Rally is always a special event and I am blessed to be able to participate this year. Not only will I have the privilege of seeing the new line of jewelry that is in the front of the fashion business, but I will be inspired and educated by the top jewelers in the nation and encouraged by one of the founders and the leaders of this amazing company. Have I mentioned that I love my job????
This week is also special because it is our 8th week of pregnancy! Yes, I am getting choked up just typing this!!! We are pregnant again and past the date of the other losses. We are so hopeful that we will get to see this little monkey of ours in just 7 months!!! For those of you marking your calendars, the due date is officially the 17th of February. Although my brother is voting for the 21st since that’s his 18th birthday! And I could be happy with the end of January or earlier in February, but spring is a wonderful time to have a baby and whenever this baby wants to join us I will gladly take him (or her)!!!
Other news… Matthew is doing well at his job at UC Davis. There are many long, boring days, but the lack of stress has been very welcomed with his recurring lack of energy. However, his hard work, experience and breadth of knowledge has not gone unnoticed at the university. There is talk about moving him to a higher position sometime in the near future. Higher position means higher pay but also greater responsibility and with his own medical issues and a baby on the way, this may not be the time to make changes. Your prayers are coveted as we make these decisions and continue to search for answers and healing.
In the meantime, we are moving forward with anticipation of the expansion of our family. I am dreaming of a nursery (again, I hold back tears… I’ve never been able to plan a nursery because we just weren’t sure if we would get that far along…) and making plans for the baby’s arrival, even though we have so many months ahead of us. Our church family here in Woodland has been especially kind to us in helping us with projects around the house to aid in this preparation. I have also been putting together a baby registry at the request of friends and family who want to know what they can get us for the baby that will go with the theme I have chosen for the nursery.
As some of you know, I have always had a love for curious George, the monkey who made friends with the man in the yellow hat. The year Matthew and I got married, the curious George movie came out and one of the songs from the soundtrack was Jack Johnsons’ Upside Down. For those of you who were able to join us, you will remember that we played this song at our wedding. Now that we are acquiring a new member in our family, we want to keep the theme going so my goal for the nursery is to bring together my passion for Indonesia and the playfulness of curious George. If you care to join in the fun, feel free to look at the registries I have set up at Target and Burlington Coat Factory to get an idea of the colors and themes we are going for.
Many of you may be wondering if this news changes our plans to go to Indonesia. The answer is NO! We will stay in the States long enough to get proper diagnosis and medical treatment and pay off debt before venturing overseas. If anything, this pregnancy is an encouragement that we are hearing from the Lord. If you remember back to earlier blogs, the dream I received involved taking our child with us to Indonesia to take back the Islands for Jesus. In the dream he was about 2 or 3… old enough to walk but young enough to still be holding our hands. This falls into our timeline perfectly. Of course, our view of the world is not the same view our Father has, so we will see how He directs our steps. But as far as he has made clear, this is the way we are to walk.
Please join us in praising God for these 8 weeks of pain free pregnancy! And continue to pray with us for a healthy baby who will join us in February (or late January) J…
As always, thank you for your love and support.
~ The Parsons
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