For years I have listened to my pastor speak about God's purpose for this generation and heard his heart for the lost, lonely, and disconnected youth of our city. I must admit that as much as I have supported and been a part of this church since it's inception, I have felt a bit disconnected from this passion for people in our city because I have been so focused on Indonesia. I know that God's heart is for Redding and Indonesia and that in some way I was limiting him by not reaching out in my own community. Tonight as I was hurrying home I saw people walking on the side walk as I drove past. I surprised myself by realizing that my normal response is actually pretty judgemental. I think about all the resources that are available to people and the choices that people make to stay in poverty. Then something strange and wonderful happened. I felt for one instant the reality of the brokenness of the lost of our city. It was only a moment but it was powerful. It is those moments when the head knowledge moves to your heart and you can begin to see and feel a change in your spirit. These are the moments that I live for.
This has not been a very exciting Valentine's Day, but it was memorable. This year it was not about hearts and chocolate and flowers and kisses, but about true love. About knowing God's love for me and for this world... and every person in it.
17 February 2010
26 January 2010
The Story and the Vision of our Journey to Indonesia
Dear Friends,
For those of you who haven't heard the whole story and are curious, here is our story about the journey to Indonesia. It explains why we have a desire to go and why we feel the urgency to go at this time. Thank you for your encouragement and support as we embark on the next phase of this journey. For those of you who already know our story, I encourage you to read on because of some new developments in our situation and at the end of this letter I will let you know more specific ways that you can pray.
The Story
In the fall of 2002, I (Erica) was attending Simpson College and had just changed my major from youth ministries to general ministries. That semester I had four missions classes. One of which was taught by the missionary in residence, Ann, who had served in Indonesia for almost 30 years. The class was all about Indonesia. One day Ann was speaking about the youth of Indonesia and the great need for ministry to Jr. high students there. As she spoke I felt my heart flip upside down inside my chest and I knew that I had to follow Ann back to Indonesia that summer. To make a very long story ridiculously short, I ended up going to Indonesia with Ann with a short term team from Simpson the following summer. It was an amazing trip and I felt a deeper call to return and minister to the Dayak people along the Mahakam river of East Kalimantan, Indonesia.
Returning home was very difficult for me that summer because I felt very strongly that Indonesia was my home more than America and I longed to return to my new family. I started working towards becoming a full time career missionary with the Christian and Missionary Alliance. I completed my BA degree in General Ministry and prayed unceasingly about when and how I could return to Indonesia. A friend and fellow student of missions advised me to make another short term trip to Indonesia before making a commitment to serving there. I followed her advice and took a team from my home church (the Stirring) in summer of 2005. It was another amazing trip filled with faith-stretching experiences. We witnessed many miracles and experienced the presence of God wherever we went. I felt the same strong desire to remain and minister with the people of Kalimantan, but knew also that I had unfinished work at home with my family, the church, and a great amount of debt that I had incurred from getting my BA degree at Simpson.
From there I decided to continue my path with the Christian and Missionary Alliance and began working on my Master's degree. During this time Matthew and I started dating and began talking about the future. Shortly afterward my step-dad and grandfather passed away within a few weeks of each other around Thanksgiving of 2006. Their deaths led me to a difficult spiritual season where I reevaluated life and sought to appreciate the present things rather than focus on the future. Matthew proposed during a New Year's Eve church service and we were married in March of 2007.
Since then, we have not stopped praying and talking about our hopes and dreams for the future and what God is calling us to as a married couple. In May of 2008, during a wonderful night of worship at the Stirring, the Lord gave me a vision. I had been praying and interceding for the islands of Indonesia. I had felt for some time that the Lord was telling me that he was giving me the island of Borneo for His Glory. That night I asked Him for all of the islands of Indonesia, not just one... that the whole nation would come to know Him. As I prayed this I thought that this was too great a task for me to do alone... even for me and Matthew to do on our own... That is when he gave me the vision...
The Vision
I saw Matthew and I with our son. He was maybe two or three years old. He was walking between us holding our hands and we were walking on the islands of Indonesia. The Lord said "I will give you every place you set your feet. And this will be the legacy you pass down to your children and they will complete this work that I have given you... to take back this nation for Me." A son! A beautiful, blond, curly haired, blue-eyed, son! And a legacy! And Indonesia for Jesus! This was a dream that was bigger than me. Bigger than Matthew. But not too big for God.
A week later, we had our first miscarriage. We did not know we were pregnant until we had lost the child. It was early in the pregnancy, but we knew that the enemy was trying to steal what the Lord had promised us. But we also knew that God was faithful and would keep His promises. This last year we lost two more children to early miscarriage. But we do not give up hope. We take one step at a time as we seek God's heart for our future and our family...
This year we have decided that the time has come to step out into the plans of God and to take hold of that which He has promised us. We have sold most of our belongings and limited our expenses by living with family or house-sitting for friends to prepare for a vision trip to Indonesia this year. ...
The Trip
And so, the time has come to take a trip to visit the islands of Indonesia. We are looking forward to visiting with some old and new friends as we take a short vision trip. The purpose of this trip is first of all to determine whether or not God is calling us as a family to minister in Indonesia. Secondly, if we are being called to Indonesia, we need to determine the specific details... where, when, who, and how! In short, which island or people group, which missions agency, and when we would begin our ministry.
At this point in the planning, we are looking to stay in Indonesia 2-3 weeks. This is not very much time, but it allows for some debriefing time when we get home before Matthew will need to return to work. We are hoping to visit the islands of Java and Kalimantan and will be visiting with friends from the Christian and Missionary Alliance and Pioneers. We hope that we may also get a chance to visit with some pilots from Missionary Aviation Fellowship, but we are unsure of the timing of our visit working with their schedules. As Matthew has been learning to fly, this would be a valuable contact in the future, even if we decide not to work for them.
We encourage you to go online and look at Google Earth to find out more about where Java and Kalimantan are located and to look up information about the Dayak people of East Kalimantan so that you can better pray for us and join with us in this new season of our lives. ...
The Support
The reason we have written to you is because you are our friends and family and we want you to be a part of this new season. We want you to partner with us on this journey in any ways that you can. I am going to list a few creative ways that you can join with us, but please be more creative than us! If there are other ways that you are feeling led to partner with us, please contact us and we would love to pray it through with you!
We have some very specific and urgent needs that I will address first. These needs, because they are so immediate, are not so creative, but significantly important. More information will be coming soon as to funds that will be set up and opportunities for tax-write-offs, and so forth... we just want to give you the general information so that you can pray with us and for us for the following needs...
* We need financial support for this upcoming vision trip. Please pray about giving towards this trip. Right now we are estimating our cost to be about $4000. This covers the cost of air fare to and from Indonesia as well as travel between islands and the cost of food and lodging.
* We need prayer for healing and financial miracles! We discovered last week that I have a small fibroid tumor in my uterus that is probably the cause of the miscarriages. The tumor itself has changed the lining of the uterus but there is also the possibility of Endometriosis. This has caused severe and nearly constant pain but can be corrected with a fairly simple surgical procedure. Although we do have insurance, it does not fully cover the cost of the procedure. Because of the timing of our trip, we will be waiting to do surgery when we return. Please pray for miraculous healing and that this would not be a distraction from what we want to accomplish in Indonesia.
* As we have been wandering from home to home, our dog has been under the care of my mother the past few months. She has graciously offered to foster him for a short time until we can find him a more permanent home. She is not able to foster him much longer and we are earnestly seeking a new home for him. Please pray that we can find a suitable home before we leave for this trip.
The Thank you's
We wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all in advance for your partnership in this endeavor. We also want to thank all of you who have prepared the way for this day to come. For our pastors, friends, and family who encouraged us every step of the way. Thank you. And to our Lord, Jesus, thank you for the gift of each other, of dreams, and of your promises and faithfulness. Without You this would all be for nothing.
For those of you who haven't heard the whole story and are curious, here is our story about the journey to Indonesia. It explains why we have a desire to go and why we feel the urgency to go at this time. Thank you for your encouragement and support as we embark on the next phase of this journey. For those of you who already know our story, I encourage you to read on because of some new developments in our situation and at the end of this letter I will let you know more specific ways that you can pray.
The Story
In the fall of 2002, I (Erica) was attending Simpson College and had just changed my major from youth ministries to general ministries. That semester I had four missions classes. One of which was taught by the missionary in residence, Ann, who had served in Indonesia for almost 30 years. The class was all about Indonesia. One day Ann was speaking about the youth of Indonesia and the great need for ministry to Jr. high students there. As she spoke I felt my heart flip upside down inside my chest and I knew that I had to follow Ann back to Indonesia that summer. To make a very long story ridiculously short, I ended up going to Indonesia with Ann with a short term team from Simpson the following summer. It was an amazing trip and I felt a deeper call to return and minister to the Dayak people along the Mahakam river of East Kalimantan, Indonesia.
Returning home was very difficult for me that summer because I felt very strongly that Indonesia was my home more than America and I longed to return to my new family. I started working towards becoming a full time career missionary with the Christian and Missionary Alliance. I completed my BA degree in General Ministry and prayed unceasingly about when and how I could return to Indonesia. A friend and fellow student of missions advised me to make another short term trip to Indonesia before making a commitment to serving there. I followed her advice and took a team from my home church (the Stirring) in summer of 2005. It was another amazing trip filled with faith-stretching experiences. We witnessed many miracles and experienced the presence of God wherever we went. I felt the same strong desire to remain and minister with the people of Kalimantan, but knew also that I had unfinished work at home with my family, the church, and a great amount of debt that I had incurred from getting my BA degree at Simpson.
From there I decided to continue my path with the Christian and Missionary Alliance and began working on my Master's degree. During this time Matthew and I started dating and began talking about the future. Shortly afterward my step-dad and grandfather passed away within a few weeks of each other around Thanksgiving of 2006. Their deaths led me to a difficult spiritual season where I reevaluated life and sought to appreciate the present things rather than focus on the future. Matthew proposed during a New Year's Eve church service and we were married in March of 2007.
Since then, we have not stopped praying and talking about our hopes and dreams for the future and what God is calling us to as a married couple. In May of 2008, during a wonderful night of worship at the Stirring, the Lord gave me a vision. I had been praying and interceding for the islands of Indonesia. I had felt for some time that the Lord was telling me that he was giving me the island of Borneo for His Glory. That night I asked Him for all of the islands of Indonesia, not just one... that the whole nation would come to know Him. As I prayed this I thought that this was too great a task for me to do alone... even for me and Matthew to do on our own... That is when he gave me the vision...
The Vision
I saw Matthew and I with our son. He was maybe two or three years old. He was walking between us holding our hands and we were walking on the islands of Indonesia. The Lord said "I will give you every place you set your feet. And this will be the legacy you pass down to your children and they will complete this work that I have given you... to take back this nation for Me." A son! A beautiful, blond, curly haired, blue-eyed, son! And a legacy! And Indonesia for Jesus! This was a dream that was bigger than me. Bigger than Matthew. But not too big for God.
A week later, we had our first miscarriage. We did not know we were pregnant until we had lost the child. It was early in the pregnancy, but we knew that the enemy was trying to steal what the Lord had promised us. But we also knew that God was faithful and would keep His promises. This last year we lost two more children to early miscarriage. But we do not give up hope. We take one step at a time as we seek God's heart for our future and our family...
This year we have decided that the time has come to step out into the plans of God and to take hold of that which He has promised us. We have sold most of our belongings and limited our expenses by living with family or house-sitting for friends to prepare for a vision trip to Indonesia this year. ...
The Trip
And so, the time has come to take a trip to visit the islands of Indonesia. We are looking forward to visiting with some old and new friends as we take a short vision trip. The purpose of this trip is first of all to determine whether or not God is calling us as a family to minister in Indonesia. Secondly, if we are being called to Indonesia, we need to determine the specific details... where, when, who, and how! In short, which island or people group, which missions agency, and when we would begin our ministry.
At this point in the planning, we are looking to stay in Indonesia 2-3 weeks. This is not very much time, but it allows for some debriefing time when we get home before Matthew will need to return to work. We are hoping to visit the islands of Java and Kalimantan and will be visiting with friends from the Christian and Missionary Alliance and Pioneers. We hope that we may also get a chance to visit with some pilots from Missionary Aviation Fellowship, but we are unsure of the timing of our visit working with their schedules. As Matthew has been learning to fly, this would be a valuable contact in the future, even if we decide not to work for them.
We encourage you to go online and look at Google Earth to find out more about where Java and Kalimantan are located and to look up information about the Dayak people of East Kalimantan so that you can better pray for us and join with us in this new season of our lives. ...
The Support
The reason we have written to you is because you are our friends and family and we want you to be a part of this new season. We want you to partner with us on this journey in any ways that you can. I am going to list a few creative ways that you can join with us, but please be more creative than us! If there are other ways that you are feeling led to partner with us, please contact us and we would love to pray it through with you!
We have some very specific and urgent needs that I will address first. These needs, because they are so immediate, are not so creative, but significantly important. More information will be coming soon as to funds that will be set up and opportunities for tax-write-offs, and so forth... we just want to give you the general information so that you can pray with us and for us for the following needs...
* We need financial support for this upcoming vision trip. Please pray about giving towards this trip. Right now we are estimating our cost to be about $4000. This covers the cost of air fare to and from Indonesia as well as travel between islands and the cost of food and lodging.
* We need prayer for healing and financial miracles! We discovered last week that I have a small fibroid tumor in my uterus that is probably the cause of the miscarriages. The tumor itself has changed the lining of the uterus but there is also the possibility of Endometriosis. This has caused severe and nearly constant pain but can be corrected with a fairly simple surgical procedure. Although we do have insurance, it does not fully cover the cost of the procedure. Because of the timing of our trip, we will be waiting to do surgery when we return. Please pray for miraculous healing and that this would not be a distraction from what we want to accomplish in Indonesia.
* As we have been wandering from home to home, our dog has been under the care of my mother the past few months. She has graciously offered to foster him for a short time until we can find him a more permanent home. She is not able to foster him much longer and we are earnestly seeking a new home for him. Please pray that we can find a suitable home before we leave for this trip.
The Thank you's
We wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all in advance for your partnership in this endeavor. We also want to thank all of you who have prepared the way for this day to come. For our pastors, friends, and family who encouraged us every step of the way. Thank you. And to our Lord, Jesus, thank you for the gift of each other, of dreams, and of your promises and faithfulness. Without You this would all be for nothing.
20 January 2010
Indonesia Vision Trip 2010
Hey there friends!
For those of you who have been following our journey for a while, this is a quick post to let you know that we are now preparing for our vision trip to Indonesia.
We would love for you to get involved in any ways you can. Please be praying about how you want to participate in this season of our journey with us. Here are a few needs that we have right now. I will update as the time of our trip comes closer and upon our return when we have more details of what we will be doing in the next few years...
Right now our urgent need is for the finances to go on this trip. At this point, we are looking for about 100 people to donate $40 each to this trip... This will cover the expense to get to and from Indonesia and between any islands as well as our food and lodging. We also need transportation from Redding to Los Angeles and back again as our out of country flight is from LAX.
Please also pray about supporting us when we return. We already know of the following needs and we ask that you pray about your involvement and how you can help...
* Our dog, Skippy needs a new home.
*We will need a place to stay temporarily when we return from our trip until we can get things situated
*we will eventually need monthly financial support if we are going to be doing full time service. (This includes student loan payments)
*we need prayer and encouragement for not only us but for our families as well
If you would like to donate to this specific trip, you can write a check out to The Stirring and put our names in the memo... Our church is setting up a fund for this trip. If you think you would be able to help with another need in the future, please email us and let us know.
Thank you for your prayers and continued encouragement and support. Please feel free to comment below or email if you have any questions. Thanks!
For those of you who have been following our journey for a while, this is a quick post to let you know that we are now preparing for our vision trip to Indonesia.
We would love for you to get involved in any ways you can. Please be praying about how you want to participate in this season of our journey with us. Here are a few needs that we have right now. I will update as the time of our trip comes closer and upon our return when we have more details of what we will be doing in the next few years...
Right now our urgent need is for the finances to go on this trip. At this point, we are looking for about 100 people to donate $40 each to this trip... This will cover the expense to get to and from Indonesia and between any islands as well as our food and lodging. We also need transportation from Redding to Los Angeles and back again as our out of country flight is from LAX.
Please also pray about supporting us when we return. We already know of the following needs and we ask that you pray about your involvement and how you can help...
* Our dog, Skippy needs a new home.
*We will need a place to stay temporarily when we return from our trip until we can get things situated
*we will eventually need monthly financial support if we are going to be doing full time service. (This includes student loan payments)
*we need prayer and encouragement for not only us but for our families as well
If you would like to donate to this specific trip, you can write a check out to The Stirring and put our names in the memo... Our church is setting up a fund for this trip. If you think you would be able to help with another need in the future, please email us and let us know.
Thank you for your prayers and continued encouragement and support. Please feel free to comment below or email if you have any questions. Thanks!
06 December 2009
The Tree
Okay, so Beth Moore is amazing... God is even more amazing. I am loving how He is using this study this week to really speak to me. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to rest in His word the past few days... okay, so new revelation building up from yesterday's devotional time...
Ephesians 3:14-21 (New Living Translation) Paul’s Prayer for Spiritual Growth
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: "Draw a tree planted in soil to represent how rooted you would estimate your life to be in the soil, or assurance, of God's love. Beside the diagram, write an explanation for the depth (or lack of depth) of your roots."
Okay, so I wish I could draw you a picture of my tree, but you will just have to imagine it yourself. It is a tall tree with many roots and branches. Each branch is a different size and has smaller branches coming out of it. There are no leaves on the tree. In the center of the tree is a carving of a heart. The roots appear to be a reflection of the branches: each a different length and depth and smaller roots coming out of larger ones. The roots are named after who God is to me and their depth is comparable to the depth of that characteristic of God evidenced in my life... God as Father, Savior, Comforter, friend, healer, provider, faithful, and unfailing love.
This assignment made me realize how amazing (and accurate!) the image of a tree is as an analogy for the spiritual life. Although some branches and even some smaller roots may break and die in a storm, fire, flood, or drought, there are still many strong roots that are deep and firmly planted that do not allow the tree to be moved or destroyed. Through time and the trials of life, even shallow roots grow deeper and weak roots become stronger and new roots form and grow. God uses the storms and fires of life to trim us so that he can grow us in the way that he sees is best for his plan. Matthew and I have been two tall trees rooted firmly in our own paths and plans for life. We have been through some difficult and dry seasons and many branches have broken, but as new life and branches form, the trees grow closer together and become one tree. This is not an instant process, but a long and sometimes painful one. But it is not the only purpose for the trimming. God cuts back the unhealthy branches so that the tree can grow and live and eventually produce fruit. God is the Master Gardener. As a tree, can I tell him that I do not want to be pruned today? He only works so that I may have an abundant life in Him and that I would produce fruit for His kingdom. If I work against Him and do not allow Him to prune me, I will only suffer more. There is freedom in resting in the Master's hands.
God as the Master Gardener does not only prune, but He waters His creation with His Spirit. Beth Moore said "Through the filling of the Holy Spirit, He desires to permeate every inch of your life and fill up every hollow place with the fullness of His love." (Breaking Free, week 8, day 3).Indeed, this is how I feel today - although there is still sadness at the loss of another child, God has filled the empty place with His love. As I surrender to Him, His love casts out my fears and fills me with His Spirit, peace and love.
Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
As Beth Moore says, "If we're not experiencing satisfaction, a hindrance exists and we want to identify it and ask God to remove it. Ordinarily, the primary hindrance to satisfaction in our lives is refusing Him access to our empty places."
I realized today that I have been refusing to let God fill my empty places because my desire for a child overwhelmed me. Even more, I thought my desires (and timing) was in line with His plans and promises for my life, so I denied Him access to those empty places. Now that I have surrendered to Him, He has satisfied me beyond my wildest imaginings!
Not that I do not continue to feel sadness at the loss of life so desired and so precious to us, but that I do not have an insatiable obsession for having a child. That empty place has been filled with the only One who could ever have filled it in the first place - God. There is such freedom in allowing Him to fill this place. Freedom to serve, freedom to live, freedom to be who I am without fear of failure or inadequacy. Freedom to live without shame or fear. Satisfaction in Christ is not like satisfaction of this world. It does not fade away in light of the next thing. It is complete. I feel a wholeness I have never known before. Thank you Jesus for this gift.
A new passion for God's word has been birthed from the last few days' treasures. I am so looking forward to what tomorrow will bring! It truly is an amazing adventure with God... each new day full of truth and life from His word. This is a new season in the journey. One I was not expecting, but one I am so grateful for.
Ephesians 3:14-21 (New Living Translation) Paul’s Prayer for Spiritual Growth
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: "Draw a tree planted in soil to represent how rooted you would estimate your life to be in the soil, or assurance, of God's love. Beside the diagram, write an explanation for the depth (or lack of depth) of your roots."
Okay, so I wish I could draw you a picture of my tree, but you will just have to imagine it yourself. It is a tall tree with many roots and branches. Each branch is a different size and has smaller branches coming out of it. There are no leaves on the tree. In the center of the tree is a carving of a heart. The roots appear to be a reflection of the branches: each a different length and depth and smaller roots coming out of larger ones. The roots are named after who God is to me and their depth is comparable to the depth of that characteristic of God evidenced in my life... God as Father, Savior, Comforter, friend, healer, provider, faithful, and unfailing love.
This assignment made me realize how amazing (and accurate!) the image of a tree is as an analogy for the spiritual life. Although some branches and even some smaller roots may break and die in a storm, fire, flood, or drought, there are still many strong roots that are deep and firmly planted that do not allow the tree to be moved or destroyed. Through time and the trials of life, even shallow roots grow deeper and weak roots become stronger and new roots form and grow. God uses the storms and fires of life to trim us so that he can grow us in the way that he sees is best for his plan. Matthew and I have been two tall trees rooted firmly in our own paths and plans for life. We have been through some difficult and dry seasons and many branches have broken, but as new life and branches form, the trees grow closer together and become one tree. This is not an instant process, but a long and sometimes painful one. But it is not the only purpose for the trimming. God cuts back the unhealthy branches so that the tree can grow and live and eventually produce fruit. God is the Master Gardener. As a tree, can I tell him that I do not want to be pruned today? He only works so that I may have an abundant life in Him and that I would produce fruit for His kingdom. If I work against Him and do not allow Him to prune me, I will only suffer more. There is freedom in resting in the Master's hands.
God as the Master Gardener does not only prune, but He waters His creation with His Spirit. Beth Moore said "Through the filling of the Holy Spirit, He desires to permeate every inch of your life and fill up every hollow place with the fullness of His love." (Breaking Free, week 8, day 3).Indeed, this is how I feel today - although there is still sadness at the loss of another child, God has filled the empty place with His love. As I surrender to Him, His love casts out my fears and fills me with His Spirit, peace and love.
Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
As Beth Moore says, "If we're not experiencing satisfaction, a hindrance exists and we want to identify it and ask God to remove it. Ordinarily, the primary hindrance to satisfaction in our lives is refusing Him access to our empty places."
I realized today that I have been refusing to let God fill my empty places because my desire for a child overwhelmed me. Even more, I thought my desires (and timing) was in line with His plans and promises for my life, so I denied Him access to those empty places. Now that I have surrendered to Him, He has satisfied me beyond my wildest imaginings!
Not that I do not continue to feel sadness at the loss of life so desired and so precious to us, but that I do not have an insatiable obsession for having a child. That empty place has been filled with the only One who could ever have filled it in the first place - God. There is such freedom in allowing Him to fill this place. Freedom to serve, freedom to live, freedom to be who I am without fear of failure or inadequacy. Freedom to live without shame or fear. Satisfaction in Christ is not like satisfaction of this world. It does not fade away in light of the next thing. It is complete. I feel a wholeness I have never known before. Thank you Jesus for this gift.
A new passion for God's word has been birthed from the last few days' treasures. I am so looking forward to what tomorrow will bring! It truly is an amazing adventure with God... each new day full of truth and life from His word. This is a new season in the journey. One I was not expecting, but one I am so grateful for.
05 December 2009
Lost and Found
Today my devotional reading took me to some amazing scriptures that I just had to share with you! I have been doing a Beth Moore Bible Study the past few weeks. Today's homework led me to Romans 8:38-39. I read it from the New Living Translation and it spoke volumes to me today. Let me read it to you...
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today, nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the power of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
The assignment was to replace the fears of Paul with my own fears so that I could confront them and also discover the truth that not even these fears which bind me can keep me from the unfailing Love of God. I have been so bound up by fear this week. With the bleeding during the pregnancy and not having a good OB/GYN and all the other things going on with this pregnancy and my history of miscarriage, I have been so fearful of loosing this child. I have prayed daily for her protection and health out of fear of loosing another child. But it wasn't just fear of loosing her... all my other fears were wrapped up in the birth of this child. The fear that I will never be a good mother... the fear that we will never be able to go to Indonesia and minister effectively... the fear that I am not as much a woman of God if I am not a mother... the list goes on and on...
Yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend Pearcia. This awesome woman of faith is such a blessing to me because she is not afraid to speak truth into my life even when it is uncomfortable. She brought these fears to my attention and told me very plainly that the enemy will only be able to take my child if I let him through my fears. I was beginning to understand a new part of God... that trusting Him means believing that He knows what is best for me and that His ways are higher than my ways. That his love is bigger than my love and His purposes for His children are beyond my understanding. That worrying cannot add one day to my life. This knowledge did not help me to overcome fear in one day, but it helped me to see God's goodness at the end of the long night...
Last night after two days of heavy bleeding and unbearable pain, we went to the emergency room. I knew that I was loosing the baby and there was absolutely nothing I could do but trust that God would get me through the night. As the doctor performed the D&C, peace and a huge sense of relief washed over me. I would no longer have to worry about this little one because she is in the arms of my loving Father God. She is not having to suffer in this world any longer. All my fears of not being able to survive another miscarriage collided with the truth that God is faithful and loving and stronger than any sadness or pain.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither grieving nor rejoicing, neither friends nor enemies, neither worries nor contentment, neither riches nor poverty, neither success nor failure will ever be able to separate me from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus my Lord."
As the pain slipped away and sleep came I was able to rest in a peace I have not felt for months. And this morning as I read today's devotional and did the Bible Study homework, God's gentle promises and faithfulness greeted me. My fears were confronted and I was overwhelmed with His love.
Only in death can there be life. This is the beauty and paradox of the Gospel. But it is good news. The promises of God bring new life. This word comes from Isaiah 55:10-11, again from the NLT.
"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it."
Last night I received a fresh brokenness and burden for the lost of Indonesia. I now see that my purpose is not wrapped up in motherhood or even any performance in ministry. God's love for me is unconditional and unfailing. And nothing in all creation can ever separate me from that love. AMEN!
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today, nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the power of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
The assignment was to replace the fears of Paul with my own fears so that I could confront them and also discover the truth that not even these fears which bind me can keep me from the unfailing Love of God. I have been so bound up by fear this week. With the bleeding during the pregnancy and not having a good OB/GYN and all the other things going on with this pregnancy and my history of miscarriage, I have been so fearful of loosing this child. I have prayed daily for her protection and health out of fear of loosing another child. But it wasn't just fear of loosing her... all my other fears were wrapped up in the birth of this child. The fear that I will never be a good mother... the fear that we will never be able to go to Indonesia and minister effectively... the fear that I am not as much a woman of God if I am not a mother... the list goes on and on...
Yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend Pearcia. This awesome woman of faith is such a blessing to me because she is not afraid to speak truth into my life even when it is uncomfortable. She brought these fears to my attention and told me very plainly that the enemy will only be able to take my child if I let him through my fears. I was beginning to understand a new part of God... that trusting Him means believing that He knows what is best for me and that His ways are higher than my ways. That his love is bigger than my love and His purposes for His children are beyond my understanding. That worrying cannot add one day to my life. This knowledge did not help me to overcome fear in one day, but it helped me to see God's goodness at the end of the long night...
Last night after two days of heavy bleeding and unbearable pain, we went to the emergency room. I knew that I was loosing the baby and there was absolutely nothing I could do but trust that God would get me through the night. As the doctor performed the D&C, peace and a huge sense of relief washed over me. I would no longer have to worry about this little one because she is in the arms of my loving Father God. She is not having to suffer in this world any longer. All my fears of not being able to survive another miscarriage collided with the truth that God is faithful and loving and stronger than any sadness or pain.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither grieving nor rejoicing, neither friends nor enemies, neither worries nor contentment, neither riches nor poverty, neither success nor failure will ever be able to separate me from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus my Lord."
As the pain slipped away and sleep came I was able to rest in a peace I have not felt for months. And this morning as I read today's devotional and did the Bible Study homework, God's gentle promises and faithfulness greeted me. My fears were confronted and I was overwhelmed with His love.
Only in death can there be life. This is the beauty and paradox of the Gospel. But it is good news. The promises of God bring new life. This word comes from Isaiah 55:10-11, again from the NLT.
"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it."
Last night I received a fresh brokenness and burden for the lost of Indonesia. I now see that my purpose is not wrapped up in motherhood or even any performance in ministry. God's love for me is unconditional and unfailing. And nothing in all creation can ever separate me from that love. AMEN!
24 November 2009
baby pictures
Quick update. All is going well with the pregnancy so far. We had ultrasound pictures today at CareNet pregnancy center. I am going to try to add the pictures to the blog but bear with me as Matthew's technical support is unavailable as I post this. We are about 6 weeks along and were able to find the heart beating at 120 beats per minute. Praise the Lord!
More updates to come as our Indonesia plans come together even more and the baby gets bigger and stronger. Thank you for your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy.
More updates to come as our Indonesia plans come together even more and the baby gets bigger and stronger. Thank you for your continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy.
13 November 2009
The New Journey Begins
Okay, so for those of you that don't know already, we are pregnant once again! Praise the Lord! We are still seeking to understand His timing, but are cherishing every moment of this little one's life. We are at about 5 weeks and have had a few scares with progesterone levels and bleeding, but we have crossed over those hurdles for now and are just taking each day one at a time. We are in constant prayer that this little one will be healthy and full term and that we will have a healthy pregnancy. We request for your prayers for us as we seek qualified and communicative physicians to care for us during this time. We also are seeking God's wisdom for the timing of our vision trip to Indonesia. We are hoping to be able to travel during our second trimester (February). Please pray that we are able to get all of the details necessary together before then and that we would be one as we make decisions in this regard. Thank you for your prayers.
Blessings!
Blessings!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)