The past few weeks have been life changing and completely insane.
As I write this, I am listening to the song by Fireflight called "For those who wait." It is a song that brings me great hope and peace in the midst of this depressing, stressful, and dangerous season. Yes, dangerous ... always remember that this life we are living is a battle and though the enemy tries to beat us down, we are not defeated. Christ is our strength and He will restore what has been stolen and broken.
The line in the song that keeps ringing in my ears and has been getting me through this week is: "when you are fighting to believe in a love you cannot see, just know there is a purpose for those who wait."
Though my soul is weary, He is with me. Though my eyes pour out tears, He is my comfort. "The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger, the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it."
It was Tuesday night, June 22nd. The day had been long. The war in my mind exhausting. The migraine had been continuous for the past seven days. I knew what must be done to bring freedom, but my spirit was so weary and my body was so weighted, I could do or say nothing. But despite my exhaustion and all that told me to stay home, I was not going to loose this battle. I knew that if I could just get to life group I could get the prayer I needed to be free. I knew that my dear friend and pastor would see right through the lies of the enemy and I could be free from the bondage that had been holding me captive for longer than I could remember. So I said to my dear husband "I know you are tired, but we must go tonight." I felt like the woman with the bleeding disorder who knew if she could just reach out and touch the hem of his garment, that she would be healed. I was reaching and He met me there. Just as the woman was astonished that he would speak to her and how she wanted to run away and hide, Jesus called me out and set me free. He brought the deeper healing.
We were reading through Luke. This week was about casting the nets into the deep water. Luke 5:1-11. The question came: why should we cast out nets again ... we've been doing this all night long and caught nothing, but because You say so Lord, we will do it.
How many times have I asked for healing from migraines. How many times have we prayed and seen nothing. I did not have the strength to ask again but I did not have to. My friends held up my arms and interceded for me. They prayed and the pressure grew stronger. The pain became more intense. Then silence. Then the word "something must be released. do you know what it is?" I broke. Tears came. I shook my head. I thought "yes, I know, but I cannot speak it. I am not strong enough" But I felt their strength. The hedge of protection from those surrounding me. As I spoke, I felt the chains... and the pain... lift from my body. "Before I married my amazing husband, I was spiritually bound to another man. Although I have broken physical ties, I am still under the spiritual bondage of his influence." I told them I did not have the strength to do this on my own. With Matthew behind me and Nathan in front of me holding up my arms, we prayed and declared freedom and release from this man's influence in my life. The pain released immediately. After the prayer Nathan declared "It is finished. You laid this down here tonight and the chains are broken. It is finished!" He has known me long enough to know that the enemy would try to lie that it is not finished and try to beat me down through the lies. But in community and in God's presence, I find freedom and peace.
Since that day, I have only had one migraine. I knew that this was from the stress of what is going on with my family (a whole other story for another day). I prayed over the situation and went to the doctor to get relief and have not had a migraine since then. (For those who don't know my history... in summer time I usually have 2-3 migraines per week and this summer they have been almost daily.)
But the healing journey does not end there. On Friday of this same week, I met with a wonderful Indonesian woman who has moved to Redding with her family. My spirit was so encouraged and my homesickness was eased by her presence. She encouraged me to seek healing for the endometriosis that has caused me nearly constant and intense pain since November. She told me of the healing room at Bethel that is available on Saturday mornings. I could not say no.
After waiting in line for an hour, I finally was allowed into the healing room. There I stood in the front of the sanctuary while people all around me were prayed for and experienced healing. After another hour, I wondered if I was invisible. It was as if intercessors would look right through me to pray for someone else. But I could not move. How could I leave when this may be the day that God brings healing to my body and fulfill His promises. I went further forward with a large group (maybe 30 or 40 people) who had not yet received prayer. After 10-20 minutes of waiting and feeling invisible, I turned around to see that everyone who had gone forward with me was gone... they had all received prayer and I alone was standing waiting. But just then I saw Matthew had come into the room and was searching for me. (He had stayed home that morning to sleep after a long and trying week at work.) I started to walk toward him when the intercessor next to me grabbed my shoulder and said "wait. don't leave." He had been praying for a man next to me. I told him that I was going to get my husband so he could pray with me. The intercessor stopped praying for the man and looked in the direction of Matthew. At that point Matthew saw me and walked towards us. The intercessor said "I'll be right with you." And I told Matthew what I had experienced with feeling invisible. Then the intercessor brought another man to join us in prayer. He asked a few questions and then they began to pray. As soon as they spoke the word "endometriosis" I felt something leave my body. They prayed again and again each time I felt something exit my body. I did not feel the constant pain any longer. Hope was ignited in my heart. They then spoke words of encouragement over both of us. They prayed for Matthew and told him that he had the authority to protect his family from these spiritual attacks and the authority to ask for healing for me and him. They told me that I am a beautiful daughter of the King and they prayed that my eyes would be open to see myself the way God sees me. They told me that the only way that I would remain pain free is by taking the time every day to ask God what He thinks of me and to see what He sees.
I have had some pain since that day, but it has not been the constant nagging pain that I had experienced before. However, we have not yet become pregnant. This has been the greatest discouragement to me. If I am healed, why have we not conceived? The emotion has been too much for me. My days have been wrought with tears. As I work with the children in my home, my heart grows cold towards them. Jealousy. Pain. Longing. It is a help to hold the little one-year-old and to feel her love and to love her, but she is not my own.
The comfort came in the form of a song on the radio. "Just know there is a purpose for those who wait." Now the tears come more freely, but they are tears of healing. There is pain in the waiting, but I know that God has a perfect timing and a way that is beyond what I can see. So I wait. I do not know how long. Each day is a battle, but He is good. And I am reminded that " "The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger,the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it."
09 July 2010
01 June 2010
Saving Grace
We've all had those moments... I've had several of them in recent years... the ones where you finally understand something that you've known your whole life. Some people say it is the journey from knowing something in your head to knowing it in your heart. I guess this is true, but then there is a deeper knowing a more complete understanding that comes with time and age, and grace.
This was my experience this past Sunday. Let me give you the picture...
Matthew was away at the family camping trip at Ash Creek with his folks. Being the newlywed that I still am, I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. But something in me told me I needed to go to church that morning. At the time I just chalked it up to guilt for not being in church for a while. Yep, that's right... me, not being in church for a while. That's another story. But let's just say that I was bitter and frustrated with God, people, and most of all myself.
I was contemplating all this on the way to church. I came to a fuller realization of my own depravity... all the mistakes that I have made in my life... relationally, financially. How easily distracted I am when I pray. How I haven't been serving in the church in years. And as I was contemplating and praying, I got distracted by something and my mind rabbit-trailed. I said out loud in the car... "I think I must just be going crazy." And the Lord spoke to me in the midst of my depravity and insanity... "Your body and mind will fail, but I know your heart. Your heart is after me. I know you, and you know me. I will never fail you. I am bigger than all your mistakes and I am able to know your heart."
Now, I know all about grace. I've taught and preached on the subject. It keeps me going every day and inspires me to go overseas. Yet in all my years of knowing God and living in the church, I have never truly experienced forgiveness because I have never been able to fully embrace, accept, or even see my true depravity. As Jesus said "he who is forgiven much, loves much."
As I walked up the steps to the church, I felt burned. Each step was long and painful as I climbed up to the doors of the church. My soul was truly weary and I felt the weight of my sin and shame in a way I have never experienced before.
Not two minutes from the time I sat down in the sanctuary, the worship team began to sing about the Cross. I was overwhelmed. I began to sob uncontrollably. His grace washed over me. As I was sobbing, my body shaking, my spirit was transported to the throne room through a vision. Still shaking, I was collapsed at the feet of Jesus. There He was smiling, glorious on His throne... holding my son. He was older than the last vision I had of him... the one where Jesus said "I've got them, don't worry." Probably around a year old. (which is about right as he would be about 18 months if he had lived) my son reached out to me and Jesus handed him to me. Back at the Stirring, more overwhelmed by the grace of this moment. Despite my sin, my mistakes, my humanity, God's grace is sufficient. God's faithfulness to his promises exceeds my depravity.
Then the words came. Encouraging words. Directing words. Words of life. They came and they poured out and I journaled as fast as I could trying to capture each moment. But words are not enough... never enough for these moments. The words didn't stop until the end of the service when I left the building, and even then the transformation continued into the next day as I continued to contemplate the experience. Monday was a day of joy and freedom as the pressures of life were removed and the full realization of God's sovereignty and grace came to me.
The words: Moses, Joshua, David. This will be a long post, but bear with me... it will be worth it!
Sunday was an invitation into a new season of seeking God. Since I couldn't stay at the door of the temple (like Joshua), I've been avoiding it altogether, but it is time to come again and visit intentionally. The distractions are done, obligations finished, now it's time to return to the tabernacle and sit in God's presence.
I felt like Moses - I may be too old to enter the promised land, but I will see Indonesia turn to God before I die. Like David, it will be my son who builds the temple. I can prepare him and prepare everything he will need and train him. It is God's timing, God's plan.
The reminder: "There are things you can only hear from God in the secret place... Your life for God will never be greater than your secret life with God."
As EM Bounds said "God's man is made in the [prayer] closet. His most profound conviction is born out of the secret place."
The picture God gave to me was a larger picture. A picture of a legacy that I can leave to my children. If we prepare now for the next generation to lead revival, we can leave an amazing legacy just as David left for Solomon. This is a beautiful picture of God's grace and a great gift of encouragement to my soul.
This was my experience this past Sunday. Let me give you the picture...
Matthew was away at the family camping trip at Ash Creek with his folks. Being the newlywed that I still am, I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. But something in me told me I needed to go to church that morning. At the time I just chalked it up to guilt for not being in church for a while. Yep, that's right... me, not being in church for a while. That's another story. But let's just say that I was bitter and frustrated with God, people, and most of all myself.
I was contemplating all this on the way to church. I came to a fuller realization of my own depravity... all the mistakes that I have made in my life... relationally, financially. How easily distracted I am when I pray. How I haven't been serving in the church in years. And as I was contemplating and praying, I got distracted by something and my mind rabbit-trailed. I said out loud in the car... "I think I must just be going crazy." And the Lord spoke to me in the midst of my depravity and insanity... "Your body and mind will fail, but I know your heart. Your heart is after me. I know you, and you know me. I will never fail you. I am bigger than all your mistakes and I am able to know your heart."
Now, I know all about grace. I've taught and preached on the subject. It keeps me going every day and inspires me to go overseas. Yet in all my years of knowing God and living in the church, I have never truly experienced forgiveness because I have never been able to fully embrace, accept, or even see my true depravity. As Jesus said "he who is forgiven much, loves much."
As I walked up the steps to the church, I felt burned. Each step was long and painful as I climbed up to the doors of the church. My soul was truly weary and I felt the weight of my sin and shame in a way I have never experienced before.
Not two minutes from the time I sat down in the sanctuary, the worship team began to sing about the Cross. I was overwhelmed. I began to sob uncontrollably. His grace washed over me. As I was sobbing, my body shaking, my spirit was transported to the throne room through a vision. Still shaking, I was collapsed at the feet of Jesus. There He was smiling, glorious on His throne... holding my son. He was older than the last vision I had of him... the one where Jesus said "I've got them, don't worry." Probably around a year old. (which is about right as he would be about 18 months if he had lived) my son reached out to me and Jesus handed him to me. Back at the Stirring, more overwhelmed by the grace of this moment. Despite my sin, my mistakes, my humanity, God's grace is sufficient. God's faithfulness to his promises exceeds my depravity.
Then the words came. Encouraging words. Directing words. Words of life. They came and they poured out and I journaled as fast as I could trying to capture each moment. But words are not enough... never enough for these moments. The words didn't stop until the end of the service when I left the building, and even then the transformation continued into the next day as I continued to contemplate the experience. Monday was a day of joy and freedom as the pressures of life were removed and the full realization of God's sovereignty and grace came to me.
The words: Moses, Joshua, David. This will be a long post, but bear with me... it will be worth it!
Sunday was an invitation into a new season of seeking God. Since I couldn't stay at the door of the temple (like Joshua), I've been avoiding it altogether, but it is time to come again and visit intentionally. The distractions are done, obligations finished, now it's time to return to the tabernacle and sit in God's presence.
I felt like Moses - I may be too old to enter the promised land, but I will see Indonesia turn to God before I die. Like David, it will be my son who builds the temple. I can prepare him and prepare everything he will need and train him. It is God's timing, God's plan.
The reminder: "There are things you can only hear from God in the secret place... Your life for God will never be greater than your secret life with God."
As EM Bounds said "God's man is made in the [prayer] closet. His most profound conviction is born out of the secret place."
The picture God gave to me was a larger picture. A picture of a legacy that I can leave to my children. If we prepare now for the next generation to lead revival, we can leave an amazing legacy just as David left for Solomon. This is a beautiful picture of God's grace and a great gift of encouragement to my soul.
12 April 2010
Surgery Story
I truly have the sweetest sister-in-laws in the world! They both wrote to me at the same time today asking me why I was having surgery and how they could be praying. I know that I have been so busy that I just haven't had the chance to tell everyone what is going on! So, through their gentle reminders that I need to reach out and let my dear friends and family know what is happening, they have inspired me to record the story of this surgery.
Please bear with me as I endeavor to write down the whole story. I am sure that you know bits and pieces, but I hope to put it all together to hopefully make everything make a bit more sense. I am however, still under the effects of the anesthesia, so I am sorry for being wordy and possibly misspelling, etc... the world is still a bit foggy. :)
As you know, we have had three heart breaking miscarriages in the past year and a half. This has taken such a toll on my body as well as my mind, heart and soul! In the process of seeking out answers, the doctors discovered that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). This is a crazy disease and it effects women in many different ways and to varying degrees. One of the effects is insulin resistance much like pre-diabetes. I started taking a medication called Metformin to help with this part. The doctors say that it makes the cells in my body function better when I am on it because they are getting the nutrients and specifically, the sugar that they need to function. The problem is that this is a Class B drug, so it hasn't been proven to be safe during pregnancy, so as soon as I would get pregnant, I would have to stop taking it. They think this could be a contributing factor to the miscarriages because if my body isn't functioning properly without the meds, then of course it can't continue to support another life...
Another effect of PCOS is the weight gain and difficulty loosing gained weight. Since Matthew and I started dating, I have gained about 50 pounds and have been unsuccessful at loosing any of it despite diet and exercise. Obviously, weight gain can be detrimental to anyone's health and my body has suffered in many ways from this excessive and fast weight gain. Chronic fatigue, arthritis, depression, anxiety, chest pain, and possibly even sleep apnea (we haven't tested for it yet, but it is likely) are all side effects of the excess weight.
Thirdly, and most relevant to today's discussion, the PCOS causes my body to not flush itself properly during the monthly cycle. Because proper D&C's were never done after any of the miscarriages, my uterus was filled with layers and layers of junk. If the doctor had not seen this and dealt with it properly, it is possible that I would not be able to even get pregnant again because there would have been no safe place for the embryo to implant.
So, today's surgery was originally intended to clean out the junk left behind by the miscarriages and my body's inability to clean it out itself. Dr. Nasise performed the surgery. I had switched to him as my OB/GYN after the horrible way that Dr. Perry's office in Redding had treated me and the miserable experiences I had at Mercy Hospital. I heard such great things about St. E's and knowing how much of Matthew's family is connected there, I decided to switch to a Red Bluff doctor and Dr. Nasise was the only recommended OB who dealt with at risk pregnancies. My experience with Dr. Nasise, his entire office staff, and all the staff of St. E's has been phenomenal. I couldn't ask for a better experience.
Anyways, when I first went to Dr. Nasise in December to follow up after the last miscarriage, he sent me for some routine lab work and ultrasound. That is when he found the need to do a proper D&C. The pictures were not very clear, but he thought that it looked like there was a fibroid in the lining of my uterus. Since cancerous fibroids run in the family and they are known for causing miscarriages, he recommended the procedure known as a hysteroscopy. Rather than spend the next week explaining it, I will just recommend you look it up on the internet... wikipedia and webmd are very helpful.
Around the time of that first appointment, I noticed that the pain from the miscarriage wasn't abating. In fact, I was in near constant and excruciating pain in my entire abdomen area (and also down my left thigh, but I didn't know that the pain was related and the doctors continued to dismiss the pain as just a random muscle spasm). I suggested to Dr. Nasise during our pre-op visit the idea of testing for endometriosis since it also runs in the family and I had been in so much pain for so long. He agreed readily and scheduled the Laparoscopy for the same time as the Hysteroscopy.
Now, you want to know... if I was in so much pain from November/December until now... why did it take so long to have surgery? Money. When I wanted to originally schedule the surgery, Dr. Nasise's office said they wanted the full amount up front and even with insurance it would cost over $800! This amount would not include the hospital fees or anesthesiologist services. We just couldn't afford to come up with that kind of cash... So, once we moved in with our new family and were able to save money from rent and utilities, we were able to save a little bit, but by now we have also paid our insurance deductables, so the upfront cost went down to $200 and we were able to schedule the surgery.
We will know more after our post-op apt. on Thursday, but right now what we do know is that the doctor couldn't find a fibroid. He was able to clean out the uterus and did find some small amount of endometriosis which he took care of. This is an answer to prayer. I believe that God removed the fibroid but allowed the doctor to find the endometriosis so that I could have answers and find some closure after the miscarriages. Since the doctor didn't have to remove the fibroid, my recovery should be much quicker.
Thank you so much for your prayers. We continue to covet them as I am recovering and as we talk with the doctor on Thursday and ask him the hard questions about where do we go from here. We are still hoping that we will be able to start trying to have our own family very soon. Please pray for us as we continue to pursue this. Matthew has taken off time from work to be with me today as I recover and friends and the family we live with will be around to assist me as I grow stronger over the next few days.
Your notes and prayers are such an encouragement and a blessing.
I pray that all is well with your families. May you enjoy the beautiful life that God has given to you this week. I hope to talk with you soon and will send updates as soon as we know more from the doctor. Thanks again for your loving concern and for continuing to read my ridiculously long blogs!
Please bear with me as I endeavor to write down the whole story. I am sure that you know bits and pieces, but I hope to put it all together to hopefully make everything make a bit more sense. I am however, still under the effects of the anesthesia, so I am sorry for being wordy and possibly misspelling, etc... the world is still a bit foggy. :)
As you know, we have had three heart breaking miscarriages in the past year and a half. This has taken such a toll on my body as well as my mind, heart and soul! In the process of seeking out answers, the doctors discovered that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). This is a crazy disease and it effects women in many different ways and to varying degrees. One of the effects is insulin resistance much like pre-diabetes. I started taking a medication called Metformin to help with this part. The doctors say that it makes the cells in my body function better when I am on it because they are getting the nutrients and specifically, the sugar that they need to function. The problem is that this is a Class B drug, so it hasn't been proven to be safe during pregnancy, so as soon as I would get pregnant, I would have to stop taking it. They think this could be a contributing factor to the miscarriages because if my body isn't functioning properly without the meds, then of course it can't continue to support another life...
Another effect of PCOS is the weight gain and difficulty loosing gained weight. Since Matthew and I started dating, I have gained about 50 pounds and have been unsuccessful at loosing any of it despite diet and exercise. Obviously, weight gain can be detrimental to anyone's health and my body has suffered in many ways from this excessive and fast weight gain. Chronic fatigue, arthritis, depression, anxiety, chest pain, and possibly even sleep apnea (we haven't tested for it yet, but it is likely) are all side effects of the excess weight.
Thirdly, and most relevant to today's discussion, the PCOS causes my body to not flush itself properly during the monthly cycle. Because proper D&C's were never done after any of the miscarriages, my uterus was filled with layers and layers of junk. If the doctor had not seen this and dealt with it properly, it is possible that I would not be able to even get pregnant again because there would have been no safe place for the embryo to implant.
So, today's surgery was originally intended to clean out the junk left behind by the miscarriages and my body's inability to clean it out itself. Dr. Nasise performed the surgery. I had switched to him as my OB/GYN after the horrible way that Dr. Perry's office in Redding had treated me and the miserable experiences I had at Mercy Hospital. I heard such great things about St. E's and knowing how much of Matthew's family is connected there, I decided to switch to a Red Bluff doctor and Dr. Nasise was the only recommended OB who dealt with at risk pregnancies. My experience with Dr. Nasise, his entire office staff, and all the staff of St. E's has been phenomenal. I couldn't ask for a better experience.
Anyways, when I first went to Dr. Nasise in December to follow up after the last miscarriage, he sent me for some routine lab work and ultrasound. That is when he found the need to do a proper D&C. The pictures were not very clear, but he thought that it looked like there was a fibroid in the lining of my uterus. Since cancerous fibroids run in the family and they are known for causing miscarriages, he recommended the procedure known as a hysteroscopy. Rather than spend the next week explaining it, I will just recommend you look it up on the internet... wikipedia and webmd are very helpful.
Around the time of that first appointment, I noticed that the pain from the miscarriage wasn't abating. In fact, I was in near constant and excruciating pain in my entire abdomen area (and also down my left thigh, but I didn't know that the pain was related and the doctors continued to dismiss the pain as just a random muscle spasm). I suggested to Dr. Nasise during our pre-op visit the idea of testing for endometriosis since it also runs in the family and I had been in so much pain for so long. He agreed readily and scheduled the Laparoscopy for the same time as the Hysteroscopy.
Now, you want to know... if I was in so much pain from November/December until now... why did it take so long to have surgery? Money. When I wanted to originally schedule the surgery, Dr. Nasise's office said they wanted the full amount up front and even with insurance it would cost over $800! This amount would not include the hospital fees or anesthesiologist services. We just couldn't afford to come up with that kind of cash... So, once we moved in with our new family and were able to save money from rent and utilities, we were able to save a little bit, but by now we have also paid our insurance deductables, so the upfront cost went down to $200 and we were able to schedule the surgery.
We will know more after our post-op apt. on Thursday, but right now what we do know is that the doctor couldn't find a fibroid. He was able to clean out the uterus and did find some small amount of endometriosis which he took care of. This is an answer to prayer. I believe that God removed the fibroid but allowed the doctor to find the endometriosis so that I could have answers and find some closure after the miscarriages. Since the doctor didn't have to remove the fibroid, my recovery should be much quicker.
Thank you so much for your prayers. We continue to covet them as I am recovering and as we talk with the doctor on Thursday and ask him the hard questions about where do we go from here. We are still hoping that we will be able to start trying to have our own family very soon. Please pray for us as we continue to pursue this. Matthew has taken off time from work to be with me today as I recover and friends and the family we live with will be around to assist me as I grow stronger over the next few days.
Your notes and prayers are such an encouragement and a blessing.
I pray that all is well with your families. May you enjoy the beautiful life that God has given to you this week. I hope to talk with you soon and will send updates as soon as we know more from the doctor. Thanks again for your loving concern and for continuing to read my ridiculously long blogs!
11 April 2010
The Silence is Broken
hello?
is anyone out there?
is anyone reading this?
I just thought I would check and see if anyone is reading my posts...
it has been awfully silent lately...
Perhaps I am just feeling lonely and isolated because I am preparing for surgery and know that I will be cooped up at home for a few days. Perhaps I am just weary of fighting off the attacks of the enemy on my own.
I know that community is growing, but it feels like such slow growth!
Thank you to my friends and family who have been an encouragement in the past few weeks. I have needed your words of wisdom and your prayers. I have been so weak physically that I cannot muster the strength to pray. But there is hope. I believe that God will use this upcoming surgery to bring complete physical healing to my body.
This morning God spoke so clearly to me during worship that it brought me to tears. I have been wrestling through Richard Foster's chapter on the Prayer of Relinquishment in his book on Prayer.
Wrestling with God over His promises and my interpretations.
Wrestling about whether we will have our own family or if we will adopt.
Wrestling with the need to surrender my ideas about having my own children to God.
Please don't misinterpret me, I want to adopt children some day. I love adoption and I think it is a wonderful gift to give a child a permanent home and a hope that they wouldn't have otherwise. This is the call of the church. But I also feel very strongly the need to have my own children. This is not something I can explain. It is just a need. A desire that goes down into the depths of who I am as a woman. The instinct of motherhood.
As usual, the issue was to me black and white: do we adopt or do we have our own children? But God doesn't always deal with our lives in black and white. He meets us where we are in the land of grey. And I am so thankful for this! This morning he spoke so clearly to me that just as I was born into a relationship with Him, so would my child be born.
Now this may seem false to you because I was not born Jewish, so theologically speaking, I was adopted into the family of God. You say this because it is true, but you do not know my childhood experiences. I believe that some people on earth were born into God's family. They were like the prophets of old or John the Baptist. From infancy, they yearned for the presence of God and the experience of His work on earth. As children they witnessed miracles and were aware of the spiritual realm. They may have had a period of rebellion as teenagers, but they always knew that there was a special connection, a drawing them back to God as if they had no choice. As though, if they stopped believing in God, they would just cease to exist. This was my own experience. As a child, I talked with God as though he were my constant companion and a friend sitting beside me. We talked all throughout the day until no words were necessary, just a constant awareness of each others' presence. The way of God and the Kingdom of God were always in my thoughts and affected every action. I could not understand why anyone would not want to experience this life with God. How could they not believe in Him? How could He not be real? He was the air that I breathed, the water and food for my soul. Everything.
God's word to me today was a promise that this legacy will be passed on to my children. My birth children. This gift was so sweet it brought me to tears.
I am trusting God entirely. Surrender comes easier when you know who it is you are surrendering to. He is not only willing to bring to pass His promises, but He is able! What an awesome God we serve.
This week I am hoping to enjoy some community as I recover from surgery. But I am also looking forward to spending some time in silence with God. To just sit and listen to one another. To be reminded of the promises and to receive new ones. To heal... physically and spiritually and emotionally. It promises to be a good week. :)
is anyone out there?
is anyone reading this?
I just thought I would check and see if anyone is reading my posts...
it has been awfully silent lately...
Perhaps I am just feeling lonely and isolated because I am preparing for surgery and know that I will be cooped up at home for a few days. Perhaps I am just weary of fighting off the attacks of the enemy on my own.
I know that community is growing, but it feels like such slow growth!
Thank you to my friends and family who have been an encouragement in the past few weeks. I have needed your words of wisdom and your prayers. I have been so weak physically that I cannot muster the strength to pray. But there is hope. I believe that God will use this upcoming surgery to bring complete physical healing to my body.
This morning God spoke so clearly to me during worship that it brought me to tears. I have been wrestling through Richard Foster's chapter on the Prayer of Relinquishment in his book on Prayer.
Wrestling with God over His promises and my interpretations.
Wrestling about whether we will have our own family or if we will adopt.
Wrestling with the need to surrender my ideas about having my own children to God.
Please don't misinterpret me, I want to adopt children some day. I love adoption and I think it is a wonderful gift to give a child a permanent home and a hope that they wouldn't have otherwise. This is the call of the church. But I also feel very strongly the need to have my own children. This is not something I can explain. It is just a need. A desire that goes down into the depths of who I am as a woman. The instinct of motherhood.
As usual, the issue was to me black and white: do we adopt or do we have our own children? But God doesn't always deal with our lives in black and white. He meets us where we are in the land of grey. And I am so thankful for this! This morning he spoke so clearly to me that just as I was born into a relationship with Him, so would my child be born.
Now this may seem false to you because I was not born Jewish, so theologically speaking, I was adopted into the family of God. You say this because it is true, but you do not know my childhood experiences. I believe that some people on earth were born into God's family. They were like the prophets of old or John the Baptist. From infancy, they yearned for the presence of God and the experience of His work on earth. As children they witnessed miracles and were aware of the spiritual realm. They may have had a period of rebellion as teenagers, but they always knew that there was a special connection, a drawing them back to God as if they had no choice. As though, if they stopped believing in God, they would just cease to exist. This was my own experience. As a child, I talked with God as though he were my constant companion and a friend sitting beside me. We talked all throughout the day until no words were necessary, just a constant awareness of each others' presence. The way of God and the Kingdom of God were always in my thoughts and affected every action. I could not understand why anyone would not want to experience this life with God. How could they not believe in Him? How could He not be real? He was the air that I breathed, the water and food for my soul. Everything.
God's word to me today was a promise that this legacy will be passed on to my children. My birth children. This gift was so sweet it brought me to tears.
I am trusting God entirely. Surrender comes easier when you know who it is you are surrendering to. He is not only willing to bring to pass His promises, but He is able! What an awesome God we serve.
This week I am hoping to enjoy some community as I recover from surgery. But I am also looking forward to spending some time in silence with God. To just sit and listen to one another. To be reminded of the promises and to receive new ones. To heal... physically and spiritually and emotionally. It promises to be a good week. :)
24 March 2010
Encounters
I had this incredible experience on Sunday night.
I would call it an encounter.
I haven't had an encounter like this in more years than I can remember...
It was crazy. Like a collision of two opposing worlds.
The worlds collided in the hearts of the people I was standing among.
One world was of discouragement and oppression. The other: freedom and hope.
It was a battle. And as I watched, I felt the heaviness.
The burden of the enemy's captivity and an attack of apathy.
I talked with other intercessors who were experiencing similar visions and feelings. Then I felt the burden lift and hope restored as we prayed for each other. I was so excited. I felt more alive than I have in years! Nothing excites me more than seeing the Spirit of God work among His people. Absolutely nothing compares to this!
I knew the post-attack would come. I anticipated it. But I did not anticipate the form in which it came. I should have. Should have known that he would use my weakness. But it has been so long since I fought in this battle that I forgot his strategies. He knew that my spirit was strong but my flesh weak. So he attacked my body. The past few days I have been exhausted and weak beyond even what I consider normal. As I tried to press through the exhaustion, it turned into a migraine and I have been in bed since last night. Along with this physical weakness and pain is a mental fogginess and an inability to think clearly.
It wasn't until this evening that I recognized the attack for what it was. And I realized the need for community. I so desire to get the intercessors together to pray and to encourage each other, but every attempt is failure. Busyness is only an excuse. There is an apathy but also an enemy that keeps us out of communication with God and with each other. When will we stand up and fight for each other?
We have a Victor. One who will stand for us. One who is greater than the enemy who wars for our hearts. But He gives us a choice. He allows us to join in the battle. And He gives us each other to lift up each others' arms.
I am blogging about an encounter I had with the spiritual realm. But I am also calling out to my fellow intercessors for a new encounter. This is a call to arms. Let us join together to stand against the apathy and attacks of the enemy. Let us stand up and intercede on behalf of our brothers and sisters in our own body.
We do not have to fight alone. Are you with me?
I would call it an encounter.
I haven't had an encounter like this in more years than I can remember...
It was crazy. Like a collision of two opposing worlds.
The worlds collided in the hearts of the people I was standing among.
One world was of discouragement and oppression. The other: freedom and hope.
It was a battle. And as I watched, I felt the heaviness.
The burden of the enemy's captivity and an attack of apathy.
I talked with other intercessors who were experiencing similar visions and feelings. Then I felt the burden lift and hope restored as we prayed for each other. I was so excited. I felt more alive than I have in years! Nothing excites me more than seeing the Spirit of God work among His people. Absolutely nothing compares to this!
I knew the post-attack would come. I anticipated it. But I did not anticipate the form in which it came. I should have. Should have known that he would use my weakness. But it has been so long since I fought in this battle that I forgot his strategies. He knew that my spirit was strong but my flesh weak. So he attacked my body. The past few days I have been exhausted and weak beyond even what I consider normal. As I tried to press through the exhaustion, it turned into a migraine and I have been in bed since last night. Along with this physical weakness and pain is a mental fogginess and an inability to think clearly.
It wasn't until this evening that I recognized the attack for what it was. And I realized the need for community. I so desire to get the intercessors together to pray and to encourage each other, but every attempt is failure. Busyness is only an excuse. There is an apathy but also an enemy that keeps us out of communication with God and with each other. When will we stand up and fight for each other?
We have a Victor. One who will stand for us. One who is greater than the enemy who wars for our hearts. But He gives us a choice. He allows us to join in the battle. And He gives us each other to lift up each others' arms.
I am blogging about an encounter I had with the spiritual realm. But I am also calling out to my fellow intercessors for a new encounter. This is a call to arms. Let us join together to stand against the apathy and attacks of the enemy. Let us stand up and intercede on behalf of our brothers and sisters in our own body.
We do not have to fight alone. Are you with me?
13 March 2010
A step in the journey - an update
This is a short update (that became once again too long) to let you all know what is going on with us. Please forgive the lack of communication recently and the jumbledness (ooh... I just made up a new word!) of this note as it is too early to write and my brain is still foggy from recent migraines.
Okay. Number one. We have a home! Yay! So, Matthew and I both posted ads on Craigslist describing what we were looking for in a new place. We received all kinds of replies, but one of them was an amazing family offering us an apartment out of the generosity of their hearts and a desire to grow as a family. So, in exchange for helping around the house (which has been a daunting task for this family of six!) we have our own one bedroom apartment which is like an in-law unit attached to the family's carport. What an amazing blessing! This is very good timing because this situation enables me to work and feel useful but to work on my own schedule. With the recurring migraines, I am just not able to work a normal 8-5 anymore. This is just a few hours a week so I can work hard on my good days and stay in bed without guilt or fear of losing my job on the bad ones. This is good timing because I have had a lot more bad days than good lately.
And on that note, an update on my health. We have finally scheduled the histeroscopy for April 12th. After being in near constant pain the past three months, this is a huge relief. Please be in prayer regarding this surgery that the doctor will have a steady hand so as to not cause more damage than necessary to my delicate parts and that this surgery will actually correct the problem with the miscarriages and cure the pain. My fear is that the pain I am experiencing is unrelated to the fibroid. If that is true, then there will be a lot more doctor visits post-op to figure out what is going on. Pray for quick recovery so I can return to helping my new family!
The migraines have been very persistent this past month. I am hoping that it is due to the stress and lack of sleep that is associated with moving and nothing permanent. I have seen an unhelpful neurologist in town who gave me some preventative medication that was more harm than help as well as some actual migraine relief which seems to be working but at the cost of feeling dizzy and groggy for a day after taking one.
Skippy is adjusting well to his new surroundings. We are still trying to find him a more permanent home, but we will enjoy his company for a while. The family (especially all the little kids) are happy with him being here and have been understanding of his needs.
Indonesia. My heart breaks at the thought. We have postponed our trip for a few months due to the homeless situation as well as not having all of our finances in order. We still need to raise about $3600 in order to go on this trip. But we will wait for the Lord's timing and His provision. While we are in our new home, we should be able to save a little money even though I am not working, but we also want to start paying down our school debt. We are still hoping to sell my Dodge Caliber in order to help pay one of the loans off. My grandma has given us her old Dodge Intrepid since she isn't driving anymore so that we still have a back up vehicle when we sell mine.
And with that, I am off to go help mom move to grandma's house. I am so glad that we will be close by (we are only about a mile from grandma's house) and yet not under the same roof! Since Jacob will be going to Enterprise High next week, he is close enough to walk to my house or grandma's house after school. Which will be good considering mom will most likely start working next month.
I think that is about it for now. I just wanted to get you all updated on what was going on with us. Sorry for not updating sooner, things have obviously been crazy. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Without you this journey would be more difficult and lonely.
Okay. Number one. We have a home! Yay! So, Matthew and I both posted ads on Craigslist describing what we were looking for in a new place. We received all kinds of replies, but one of them was an amazing family offering us an apartment out of the generosity of their hearts and a desire to grow as a family. So, in exchange for helping around the house (which has been a daunting task for this family of six!) we have our own one bedroom apartment which is like an in-law unit attached to the family's carport. What an amazing blessing! This is very good timing because this situation enables me to work and feel useful but to work on my own schedule. With the recurring migraines, I am just not able to work a normal 8-5 anymore. This is just a few hours a week so I can work hard on my good days and stay in bed without guilt or fear of losing my job on the bad ones. This is good timing because I have had a lot more bad days than good lately.
And on that note, an update on my health. We have finally scheduled the histeroscopy for April 12th. After being in near constant pain the past three months, this is a huge relief. Please be in prayer regarding this surgery that the doctor will have a steady hand so as to not cause more damage than necessary to my delicate parts and that this surgery will actually correct the problem with the miscarriages and cure the pain. My fear is that the pain I am experiencing is unrelated to the fibroid. If that is true, then there will be a lot more doctor visits post-op to figure out what is going on. Pray for quick recovery so I can return to helping my new family!
The migraines have been very persistent this past month. I am hoping that it is due to the stress and lack of sleep that is associated with moving and nothing permanent. I have seen an unhelpful neurologist in town who gave me some preventative medication that was more harm than help as well as some actual migraine relief which seems to be working but at the cost of feeling dizzy and groggy for a day after taking one.
Skippy is adjusting well to his new surroundings. We are still trying to find him a more permanent home, but we will enjoy his company for a while. The family (especially all the little kids) are happy with him being here and have been understanding of his needs.
Indonesia. My heart breaks at the thought. We have postponed our trip for a few months due to the homeless situation as well as not having all of our finances in order. We still need to raise about $3600 in order to go on this trip. But we will wait for the Lord's timing and His provision. While we are in our new home, we should be able to save a little money even though I am not working, but we also want to start paying down our school debt. We are still hoping to sell my Dodge Caliber in order to help pay one of the loans off. My grandma has given us her old Dodge Intrepid since she isn't driving anymore so that we still have a back up vehicle when we sell mine.
And with that, I am off to go help mom move to grandma's house. I am so glad that we will be close by (we are only about a mile from grandma's house) and yet not under the same roof! Since Jacob will be going to Enterprise High next week, he is close enough to walk to my house or grandma's house after school. Which will be good considering mom will most likely start working next month.
I think that is about it for now. I just wanted to get you all updated on what was going on with us. Sorry for not updating sooner, things have obviously been crazy. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Without you this journey would be more difficult and lonely.
22 February 2010
Living on the Edge
This week Pastor Nate talked about one of my favorite stories in scripture... Joshua's encounter with the Angel of the Lord before the battle of Jericho. (Joshua 5:13)
This is the beginning of a new series (well... old in the sense that we have talked about this subject over and over again, but new as in we are talking about it again and coming out of our series on the Voice of God) called Living God's Dreams.
This is the part where you should stop and go listen to the podcast... Click on the title of this post to go to the Stirring's podcast page if you weren't there on Sunday, then come back and finish reading. :)
Nate is a good friend and he knows what we are going through. He was telling our story as he talked about Joshua. If you listened to the sermon, you will understand what I mean when I say that I feel like we are right on the edge of living out God's dreams...but there is this huge wall. I know that this is the dream God has given us and He will accomplish it, but I am so tired of the silence and so ready for the trumpets! God please make these walls come down or else give us a new vision, but don't make us march around the walls one more day!
After selling almost all of our belongings (and deciding that as spoiled Americans, we still have way too much stuff!) we moved in with my mom. That was stressful and crazy for everyone but good for our finances. Then our friends needed some house-sitting for a few months, so we were able to do that until they came home a few weeks ago. It was great to have our own space and have some rest. When we left there mom said she was moving in with grandma and we had to find another place for our dog and our stuff, so we moved in with another friend. This friend is fostering puppies and I have found that I am allergic to the smell and have been getting migraines almost daily in addition to the constant pain from the fibroid tumor. So, we are homeless once again and in search of a place to call home at least temporarily. It just seems that we are in limbo once again... Needing a place to call our own, yet wanting to save every penny so we can go on our vision trip. I have been looking for work, but in so much pain every day I'm not sure I even can work. Our stuff is all in storage and we are thinking about just getting a PO Box and pitching a tent in someone's back yard...
This feels like sacrifice and like we are working towards the dreams God has given us, but is it really? Or is it just indecision and lack of finances? Is there a balance between "this world is not our home" and meeting basic needs like shelter and safety? Should we be looking at renting an apartment or sharing a home and living in community? Should we really pitch a tent or stay in a bed and breakfast? What does it really mean to live God's dreams? I have a dream for a Nation to know Jesus and to not be under the influence of the enemy. For a people to know the power and love and freedom of Christ. For a church to rise up and be strong in the face of the enemy. This is not my own dream. It is so much bigger than me. It was given to me ... it is a God dream. But is this the time that He will accomplish this dream? Will he really use me to do it? Or does God have another purpose for me to live in this generation?
These are the questions that are my existence. This is my world of living in limbo. of waiting. As we wait, we pray. We seek God. We ask for Him to speak through the silence and to give us direction, vision, wisdom. This week as we fast and pray, will you pray with us?
I write this as I battle another migraine, so forgive me as I end poorly. I am going to try to find a quiet place to rest for a few hours before Matthew gets off work.
Thanks to my friends who have been there encouraging us and who have offered their homes for our temporary sanity. Thanks for being there and for praying. You are the blessing that keeps us going!
This is the beginning of a new series (well... old in the sense that we have talked about this subject over and over again, but new as in we are talking about it again and coming out of our series on the Voice of God) called Living God's Dreams.
This is the part where you should stop and go listen to the podcast... Click on the title of this post to go to the Stirring's podcast page if you weren't there on Sunday, then come back and finish reading. :)
Nate is a good friend and he knows what we are going through. He was telling our story as he talked about Joshua. If you listened to the sermon, you will understand what I mean when I say that I feel like we are right on the edge of living out God's dreams...but there is this huge wall. I know that this is the dream God has given us and He will accomplish it, but I am so tired of the silence and so ready for the trumpets! God please make these walls come down or else give us a new vision, but don't make us march around the walls one more day!
After selling almost all of our belongings (and deciding that as spoiled Americans, we still have way too much stuff!) we moved in with my mom. That was stressful and crazy for everyone but good for our finances. Then our friends needed some house-sitting for a few months, so we were able to do that until they came home a few weeks ago. It was great to have our own space and have some rest. When we left there mom said she was moving in with grandma and we had to find another place for our dog and our stuff, so we moved in with another friend. This friend is fostering puppies and I have found that I am allergic to the smell and have been getting migraines almost daily in addition to the constant pain from the fibroid tumor. So, we are homeless once again and in search of a place to call home at least temporarily. It just seems that we are in limbo once again... Needing a place to call our own, yet wanting to save every penny so we can go on our vision trip. I have been looking for work, but in so much pain every day I'm not sure I even can work. Our stuff is all in storage and we are thinking about just getting a PO Box and pitching a tent in someone's back yard...
This feels like sacrifice and like we are working towards the dreams God has given us, but is it really? Or is it just indecision and lack of finances? Is there a balance between "this world is not our home" and meeting basic needs like shelter and safety? Should we be looking at renting an apartment or sharing a home and living in community? Should we really pitch a tent or stay in a bed and breakfast? What does it really mean to live God's dreams? I have a dream for a Nation to know Jesus and to not be under the influence of the enemy. For a people to know the power and love and freedom of Christ. For a church to rise up and be strong in the face of the enemy. This is not my own dream. It is so much bigger than me. It was given to me ... it is a God dream. But is this the time that He will accomplish this dream? Will he really use me to do it? Or does God have another purpose for me to live in this generation?
These are the questions that are my existence. This is my world of living in limbo. of waiting. As we wait, we pray. We seek God. We ask for Him to speak through the silence and to give us direction, vision, wisdom. This week as we fast and pray, will you pray with us?
I write this as I battle another migraine, so forgive me as I end poorly. I am going to try to find a quiet place to rest for a few hours before Matthew gets off work.
Thanks to my friends who have been there encouraging us and who have offered their homes for our temporary sanity. Thanks for being there and for praying. You are the blessing that keeps us going!
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