hope lives

this morning as I lay in bed while Matthew fed Amelia and put her back to bed
I started thinking
and remembering...

I remembered the Dream. 
the one that started this blog.  
the one that I have lived for these past few years. 
the one about a child and a nation. 

and I realized that dream was sleeping in the other room.

I remembered the part of my dream when I was holding my child's hand.  I remember thinking about the big blue eyes and curly blond hair.  After the miscarriages I thought the dream had died too.  That child was lost forever and the one I had was different with a different plan for her life.  But today I questioned that thought.  My sweet Amelia Ann with her big blue eyes and curly blond hair.  Maybe she will walk the islands with me... maybe she will be the catalyst to a great revival and change a nation.  These maybe's are like sparks that start a fire of hope inside my weary heart.  Hope that I can still participate in a dream I thought I had lost. 

Hope is powerful. 
Hope gives purpose.
Hope brings life.
Without it we are only dust.

God gives hope because He loves us and He loves the world.
God is good.

Hope is alive in my heart again. 
This changes EVERYTHING!

alone

today as i stumble through my day with another migraine i try to imagine what life would be like if i wasn't quite so alone.  with the closest family 2 hours away and busy with their own lives, and Matthew working full time and all his vacation and sick time used up, i find myself often doing it alone. feeding, changing, rocking baby alone at all hours of day and night.  making meals, cleaning house, doing laundry, alone.

it's not that bad.  i can enjoy some peace and quiet now and again.  i enjoy being the queen of my domain.  but on days like today when i can barely see through the pain of a splitting headache i wish i wasn't quite so alone.  that there was someone i could call to sit with Amelia while i took a nap or a shower or caught up on writing invitations for next weeks' jewelry party...

i am jealous of my other mom friends who have a support system they can lean on.  i'm still making friends here in this new town and can't call them  whenever i am feeling miserable... and my family can't stop their lives to come down every few weeks to help me clean my house.

so what do i do?  how can i live a normal life with these debilitating migraines taking over every few days? i need help. another family i can partner with.  a support system that is closer than 2 hours away...

in the mean time, i pray for the migraine to go away today and that the baby will sleep a little longer at nap time so i can rest too... 

sacrifice

It's time I admit it: I'm sad.  I've been ignoring it, denying it for weeks, but it's time to move past denial and embrace the grieving process so I can move onto the rejoicing.

I love my little girl.  I waited and prayed for her for a long time.  But I lost a lot so I could have her.
I lost my friends, my family, my church so I could move to a town with better doctors.  I even cut my hair so my focus could be entirely on her.  My body is completely worn out from lack of sleep. I quit my business so I could spend all my time with her.  I miss my friends, I miss my mom, I miss my jewelry.  I miss my husband.  Everything has changed since my baby girl came into our lives...

So, I'm a little sad.  And I'm a bit overwhelmed.  Having a sick baby is the most helpless feeling in the world. She demands all my attention, all my energy. Every bit of who I am is focused on her right now. 

But it's just a phase. A season.  She won't be sick forever.  She will eventually learn breastfeeding is better than bottles.  And soon I will get to have a few hours alone with my husband again...  And it is all so worth it...

Those little toes and fingers... Those big blue eyes... The way she smiles as she drifts off to sleep...
The pain, the loss, the sacrifice is great, but the joy in those moments is greater than the sadness. 
This is motherhood. This is my life.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world...

Amelia Ann

I hope to be able to share the full story in the near future, but sleep is more precious at the moment and it is calling to me... I just wanted to give you all the quick update...

Amelia Ann Parsons has made her debut!  She is a perfectly healthy little girl with a full head of hair! Our little miracle was born February 11th at 12:28am.  She was 7 pounds 1.4 ounces and 18 3/4 inches long. 

I can't believe a week has gone by already!  We are still learning and figuring out our rhythm, but things are getting easier each day.  My body is slowly recovering from a 2nd degree tear from her arm wanting to come out at the same time as her head and a left over blood clot in my uterus.  She lost 10% of her birth weight in the first 4 days, but is gaining quickly now as she gets better at feeding each day.

It is 12:31am on Sunday, January 29th.  Another late night.  My body is tired, but my mind cannot rest.  I am too full of anticipation and excitement!  Soon... very, very soon... I will get to hold my little girl in my arms!  My long awaited dream is about to come true and as much as I need the sleep, I cannot stop thinking about what it will be like to be a mother and to get the privilege of raising our dear Amelia Ann Parsons.

Although they have not changed her official due date, the doctors have decided to induce me at 39 weeks (less than 2 weeks away!) in order to prevent complications. The gestational diabetes is now being controlled with medication, which puts us in a higher risk category.  Besides the weekly OB appointments, I also see the endocrinologist weekly now as well as having fetal monitoring twice weekly until she arrives. That's a minimum of four doctor visits per week!  Not to mention I'm still seeing the ophthalmologist every 6 weeks to monitor the migraines and make sure there is no swelling behind my eyes.

If I'm not sleeping, eating, or at the doctor, I spend my time at home with last minute preparations for Amelia's arrival.  The nursery is nearing readiness, although our little angel will be sleeping in our room for a while, so we are not rushing the process of creativity that will be expressed in her bedroom. Matthew has promised to paint her room and we have purchased butterfly and dragonfly stencils to aid in this task.  We also have a dresser to assemble, and some curtains to hang.

The grandparents are preparing their schedules for the phone call that says come on down and see her.  Despite their busy schedules, I know they are just as anxious as we are to hold her when she comes and they will do everything they can to make the trip down to be with us during this time...

Matthew has applied for a better paying position at the university to help cover baby costs and keep us on track financially.  He has been an amazing support throughout this pregnancy, but especially these past few weeks as my anxiety has increased and my moods are ever changing.  He is learning to sleep through all the noises of me being up at all hours of the night and even now I hear him snoring from the bedroom as I lay in the recliner and type this blog hoping sleep will come sooner than usual tonight.

Even Skippy, our Parsons Terrier Mix, is feeling our anticipation at this stage.  If he isn't sleeping, he is by my side with his head on my belly listening to Amelia's heartbeat and feeling her movements. I know they are going to love each other! I can't wait to get pictures of them together!

Well, that is pretty much what is going on here.

As my belly gets bigger, so do my dreams.  I know she will fill our home and our hearts with joy and in many ways she already has! I am so excited to see what the next months and years bring as Amelia joins us on this journey of following the dream....

Overdue Baby Update!

According to the latest ultrasound, we have a healthy baby GIRL!!!  The placenta has risen to it's correct position, the gestational diabetes is well under control with diet, and baby is growing beautifully!!!

We are still working through the lists of baby names, but thought we'd give our readers the opportunity to contribute ideas to the list!  Please leave ideas for baby girl names in the comments to this post!!! Thanks for your ideas!

I've also added a link to our baby registry for those interested... my brother is throwing us a shower Thanksgiving weekend.  All the details are on the Registry site.  We'd love to have you join us!

Okay... picture time!

Baby update

There's not much news to add to this update.  Sometimes no news is good news. :)


The pregnancy continues to be going well.  We are at 15 weeks and baby looks healthy.  The only minor complications include gestational diabetes and a low placenta.  They are not causing any issues at this time.  We continue to pray for a healthy baby and a healthy mom during this pregnancy.  My migraines have been coming and going as usual, but without the relief of pain medication I am learning new coping mechanisms.  Also, the morning sickness has been fairly severe to this point and we are praying it will not continue very much longer!  It is hard to eat healthy when you can't keep anything down!  I also find myself getting dehydrated easily which can trigger migraines...

Okay.  Enough talk.  How about some pictures? :)

These are a few weeks old now.  We should get some new ones at the beginning of October.  Enjoy.