17 November 2010
Your Love is Enough
How many times have I heard or said that phrase "Your Love, oh God is enough for me" ? This morning once again I received the same message but felt it move deeper into my heart.
My dear friend Tristen and I were talking last week during Life Group about the dreams that God gives us. The question came up : is it wrong to strive after the dreams God has given us? My immediate response was NO! How could it be wrong for us to follow and chase after the passions and dreams that God has put in our hearts? Of course, there is a time when we chase dreams instead of the Dream Giver and we have to re-orient our selves and our priorities. But I reassured my dear friend that it was good to go after those desires that God has given us. Of course I would say that... isn't that what this whole blog is about? Following the Dream?
But today God spoke in the overwhelming gentleness that is His Spirit and whispered into my heart "The only thing that matters is My Love. My love is enough to light up the darkness. It is all you have ever needed."
In this song, Brandon Heath sings about the Love of God:
"You're the hope in the morning, You're the light when the night is falling...You're the eyes to the blind man, You're the feet to the lame man walking... The only thing that matters is Your love."
"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." 1 Corinthians 13:1
I can strive forever to follow after the dreams God has given me. Or I can trust in His Love and Faithfulness and trust His promises. See, going to Indonesia and leaving a legacy is not just a dream or a passion, it is a Promise. So I don't have to strive for it, just trust in God's promise and His timing and wait and go when He says go.
Now I hear him say "Now is the time, it's time to go." Am I ready? Do I trust Him to do what He has promised? Do I step out in faith and say yes, I will go, even when I cannot see the path ahead?
15 November 2010
Hope is springing up from this old ground
It has been too long since I have looked at this blog. Too long without an update, I know... but life has been so busy. It is hard to make myself sit for long enough to write down what has transpired these past few months... Unfortunately, my few minutes is all I have today, so it will be a short update with more details to come...
Since the last update, much has happened...
We have gotten pregnant.
We miscarried again.
I lost twenty pounds and gained back another ten.
I have had discouragement and hope presented to me on the same day.
I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease (a thyroid and autoimmune disease that explains every health problem I have faced in my entire life).
I have become an independent distributor for Premier Designs Jewelry.
I have shared many hours with friends and family as we have encouraged each other.
We have been presented with another opportunity to go to Indonesia this summer.
Right now I am working long days at three jobs while Matthew continues to work his 40 hour + job at Simpson. We are both completely spent physically and emotionally. Many days I feel as though this will be the last time I will be able to get up out of bed. Although we now know what is wrong with me, the cure is a very long process and my body has been so worn down by the disease, it will take months before I will start to feel better. So forgive me for not writing. When my day is done, all I long for is sleep.
Pray dear friends... Pray for supernatural strength for both of us. Pray for wisdom as we talk with leaders of our churches to determine if now is the time for our vision trip. We have waited so long, but financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically we are not ready. But I know what God can do in six months time and if this is our time, we will rise to the challenge and do whatever it takes to prepare ourselves for the coming trip. I have waited too long to let any opportunity slip by. I will give every last ounce of energy to follow this dream.
Since the last update, much has happened...
We have gotten pregnant.
We miscarried again.
I lost twenty pounds and gained back another ten.
I have had discouragement and hope presented to me on the same day.
I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease (a thyroid and autoimmune disease that explains every health problem I have faced in my entire life).
I have become an independent distributor for Premier Designs Jewelry.
I have shared many hours with friends and family as we have encouraged each other.
We have been presented with another opportunity to go to Indonesia this summer.
Right now I am working long days at three jobs while Matthew continues to work his 40 hour + job at Simpson. We are both completely spent physically and emotionally. Many days I feel as though this will be the last time I will be able to get up out of bed. Although we now know what is wrong with me, the cure is a very long process and my body has been so worn down by the disease, it will take months before I will start to feel better. So forgive me for not writing. When my day is done, all I long for is sleep.
Pray dear friends... Pray for supernatural strength for both of us. Pray for wisdom as we talk with leaders of our churches to determine if now is the time for our vision trip. We have waited so long, but financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically we are not ready. But I know what God can do in six months time and if this is our time, we will rise to the challenge and do whatever it takes to prepare ourselves for the coming trip. I have waited too long to let any opportunity slip by. I will give every last ounce of energy to follow this dream.
12 September 2010
09 July 2010
For Those Who Wait
The past few weeks have been life changing and completely insane.
As I write this, I am listening to the song by Fireflight called "For those who wait." It is a song that brings me great hope and peace in the midst of this depressing, stressful, and dangerous season. Yes, dangerous ... always remember that this life we are living is a battle and though the enemy tries to beat us down, we are not defeated. Christ is our strength and He will restore what has been stolen and broken.
The line in the song that keeps ringing in my ears and has been getting me through this week is: "when you are fighting to believe in a love you cannot see, just know there is a purpose for those who wait."
Though my soul is weary, He is with me. Though my eyes pour out tears, He is my comfort. "The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger, the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it."
It was Tuesday night, June 22nd. The day had been long. The war in my mind exhausting. The migraine had been continuous for the past seven days. I knew what must be done to bring freedom, but my spirit was so weary and my body was so weighted, I could do or say nothing. But despite my exhaustion and all that told me to stay home, I was not going to loose this battle. I knew that if I could just get to life group I could get the prayer I needed to be free. I knew that my dear friend and pastor would see right through the lies of the enemy and I could be free from the bondage that had been holding me captive for longer than I could remember. So I said to my dear husband "I know you are tired, but we must go tonight." I felt like the woman with the bleeding disorder who knew if she could just reach out and touch the hem of his garment, that she would be healed. I was reaching and He met me there. Just as the woman was astonished that he would speak to her and how she wanted to run away and hide, Jesus called me out and set me free. He brought the deeper healing.
We were reading through Luke. This week was about casting the nets into the deep water. Luke 5:1-11. The question came: why should we cast out nets again ... we've been doing this all night long and caught nothing, but because You say so Lord, we will do it.
How many times have I asked for healing from migraines. How many times have we prayed and seen nothing. I did not have the strength to ask again but I did not have to. My friends held up my arms and interceded for me. They prayed and the pressure grew stronger. The pain became more intense. Then silence. Then the word "something must be released. do you know what it is?" I broke. Tears came. I shook my head. I thought "yes, I know, but I cannot speak it. I am not strong enough" But I felt their strength. The hedge of protection from those surrounding me. As I spoke, I felt the chains... and the pain... lift from my body. "Before I married my amazing husband, I was spiritually bound to another man. Although I have broken physical ties, I am still under the spiritual bondage of his influence." I told them I did not have the strength to do this on my own. With Matthew behind me and Nathan in front of me holding up my arms, we prayed and declared freedom and release from this man's influence in my life. The pain released immediately. After the prayer Nathan declared "It is finished. You laid this down here tonight and the chains are broken. It is finished!" He has known me long enough to know that the enemy would try to lie that it is not finished and try to beat me down through the lies. But in community and in God's presence, I find freedom and peace.
Since that day, I have only had one migraine. I knew that this was from the stress of what is going on with my family (a whole other story for another day). I prayed over the situation and went to the doctor to get relief and have not had a migraine since then. (For those who don't know my history... in summer time I usually have 2-3 migraines per week and this summer they have been almost daily.)
But the healing journey does not end there. On Friday of this same week, I met with a wonderful Indonesian woman who has moved to Redding with her family. My spirit was so encouraged and my homesickness was eased by her presence. She encouraged me to seek healing for the endometriosis that has caused me nearly constant and intense pain since November. She told me of the healing room at Bethel that is available on Saturday mornings. I could not say no.
After waiting in line for an hour, I finally was allowed into the healing room. There I stood in the front of the sanctuary while people all around me were prayed for and experienced healing. After another hour, I wondered if I was invisible. It was as if intercessors would look right through me to pray for someone else. But I could not move. How could I leave when this may be the day that God brings healing to my body and fulfill His promises. I went further forward with a large group (maybe 30 or 40 people) who had not yet received prayer. After 10-20 minutes of waiting and feeling invisible, I turned around to see that everyone who had gone forward with me was gone... they had all received prayer and I alone was standing waiting. But just then I saw Matthew had come into the room and was searching for me. (He had stayed home that morning to sleep after a long and trying week at work.) I started to walk toward him when the intercessor next to me grabbed my shoulder and said "wait. don't leave." He had been praying for a man next to me. I told him that I was going to get my husband so he could pray with me. The intercessor stopped praying for the man and looked in the direction of Matthew. At that point Matthew saw me and walked towards us. The intercessor said "I'll be right with you." And I told Matthew what I had experienced with feeling invisible. Then the intercessor brought another man to join us in prayer. He asked a few questions and then they began to pray. As soon as they spoke the word "endometriosis" I felt something leave my body. They prayed again and again each time I felt something exit my body. I did not feel the constant pain any longer. Hope was ignited in my heart. They then spoke words of encouragement over both of us. They prayed for Matthew and told him that he had the authority to protect his family from these spiritual attacks and the authority to ask for healing for me and him. They told me that I am a beautiful daughter of the King and they prayed that my eyes would be open to see myself the way God sees me. They told me that the only way that I would remain pain free is by taking the time every day to ask God what He thinks of me and to see what He sees.
I have had some pain since that day, but it has not been the constant nagging pain that I had experienced before. However, we have not yet become pregnant. This has been the greatest discouragement to me. If I am healed, why have we not conceived? The emotion has been too much for me. My days have been wrought with tears. As I work with the children in my home, my heart grows cold towards them. Jealousy. Pain. Longing. It is a help to hold the little one-year-old and to feel her love and to love her, but she is not my own.
The comfort came in the form of a song on the radio. "Just know there is a purpose for those who wait." Now the tears come more freely, but they are tears of healing. There is pain in the waiting, but I know that God has a perfect timing and a way that is beyond what I can see. So I wait. I do not know how long. Each day is a battle, but He is good. And I am reminded that " "The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger,the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it."
As I write this, I am listening to the song by Fireflight called "For those who wait." It is a song that brings me great hope and peace in the midst of this depressing, stressful, and dangerous season. Yes, dangerous ... always remember that this life we are living is a battle and though the enemy tries to beat us down, we are not defeated. Christ is our strength and He will restore what has been stolen and broken.
The line in the song that keeps ringing in my ears and has been getting me through this week is: "when you are fighting to believe in a love you cannot see, just know there is a purpose for those who wait."
Though my soul is weary, He is with me. Though my eyes pour out tears, He is my comfort. "The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger, the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it."
It was Tuesday night, June 22nd. The day had been long. The war in my mind exhausting. The migraine had been continuous for the past seven days. I knew what must be done to bring freedom, but my spirit was so weary and my body was so weighted, I could do or say nothing. But despite my exhaustion and all that told me to stay home, I was not going to loose this battle. I knew that if I could just get to life group I could get the prayer I needed to be free. I knew that my dear friend and pastor would see right through the lies of the enemy and I could be free from the bondage that had been holding me captive for longer than I could remember. So I said to my dear husband "I know you are tired, but we must go tonight." I felt like the woman with the bleeding disorder who knew if she could just reach out and touch the hem of his garment, that she would be healed. I was reaching and He met me there. Just as the woman was astonished that he would speak to her and how she wanted to run away and hide, Jesus called me out and set me free. He brought the deeper healing.
We were reading through Luke. This week was about casting the nets into the deep water. Luke 5:1-11. The question came: why should we cast out nets again ... we've been doing this all night long and caught nothing, but because You say so Lord, we will do it.
How many times have I asked for healing from migraines. How many times have we prayed and seen nothing. I did not have the strength to ask again but I did not have to. My friends held up my arms and interceded for me. They prayed and the pressure grew stronger. The pain became more intense. Then silence. Then the word "something must be released. do you know what it is?" I broke. Tears came. I shook my head. I thought "yes, I know, but I cannot speak it. I am not strong enough" But I felt their strength. The hedge of protection from those surrounding me. As I spoke, I felt the chains... and the pain... lift from my body. "Before I married my amazing husband, I was spiritually bound to another man. Although I have broken physical ties, I am still under the spiritual bondage of his influence." I told them I did not have the strength to do this on my own. With Matthew behind me and Nathan in front of me holding up my arms, we prayed and declared freedom and release from this man's influence in my life. The pain released immediately. After the prayer Nathan declared "It is finished. You laid this down here tonight and the chains are broken. It is finished!" He has known me long enough to know that the enemy would try to lie that it is not finished and try to beat me down through the lies. But in community and in God's presence, I find freedom and peace.
Since that day, I have only had one migraine. I knew that this was from the stress of what is going on with my family (a whole other story for another day). I prayed over the situation and went to the doctor to get relief and have not had a migraine since then. (For those who don't know my history... in summer time I usually have 2-3 migraines per week and this summer they have been almost daily.)
But the healing journey does not end there. On Friday of this same week, I met with a wonderful Indonesian woman who has moved to Redding with her family. My spirit was so encouraged and my homesickness was eased by her presence. She encouraged me to seek healing for the endometriosis that has caused me nearly constant and intense pain since November. She told me of the healing room at Bethel that is available on Saturday mornings. I could not say no.
After waiting in line for an hour, I finally was allowed into the healing room. There I stood in the front of the sanctuary while people all around me were prayed for and experienced healing. After another hour, I wondered if I was invisible. It was as if intercessors would look right through me to pray for someone else. But I could not move. How could I leave when this may be the day that God brings healing to my body and fulfill His promises. I went further forward with a large group (maybe 30 or 40 people) who had not yet received prayer. After 10-20 minutes of waiting and feeling invisible, I turned around to see that everyone who had gone forward with me was gone... they had all received prayer and I alone was standing waiting. But just then I saw Matthew had come into the room and was searching for me. (He had stayed home that morning to sleep after a long and trying week at work.) I started to walk toward him when the intercessor next to me grabbed my shoulder and said "wait. don't leave." He had been praying for a man next to me. I told him that I was going to get my husband so he could pray with me. The intercessor stopped praying for the man and looked in the direction of Matthew. At that point Matthew saw me and walked towards us. The intercessor said "I'll be right with you." And I told Matthew what I had experienced with feeling invisible. Then the intercessor brought another man to join us in prayer. He asked a few questions and then they began to pray. As soon as they spoke the word "endometriosis" I felt something leave my body. They prayed again and again each time I felt something exit my body. I did not feel the constant pain any longer. Hope was ignited in my heart. They then spoke words of encouragement over both of us. They prayed for Matthew and told him that he had the authority to protect his family from these spiritual attacks and the authority to ask for healing for me and him. They told me that I am a beautiful daughter of the King and they prayed that my eyes would be open to see myself the way God sees me. They told me that the only way that I would remain pain free is by taking the time every day to ask God what He thinks of me and to see what He sees.
I have had some pain since that day, but it has not been the constant nagging pain that I had experienced before. However, we have not yet become pregnant. This has been the greatest discouragement to me. If I am healed, why have we not conceived? The emotion has been too much for me. My days have been wrought with tears. As I work with the children in my home, my heart grows cold towards them. Jealousy. Pain. Longing. It is a help to hold the little one-year-old and to feel her love and to love her, but she is not my own.
The comfort came in the form of a song on the radio. "Just know there is a purpose for those who wait." Now the tears come more freely, but they are tears of healing. There is pain in the waiting, but I know that God has a perfect timing and a way that is beyond what I can see. So I wait. I do not know how long. Each day is a battle, but He is good. And I am reminded that " "The pressure makes us stronger, the struggle makes us hunger,the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it."
01 June 2010
Saving Grace
We've all had those moments... I've had several of them in recent years... the ones where you finally understand something that you've known your whole life. Some people say it is the journey from knowing something in your head to knowing it in your heart. I guess this is true, but then there is a deeper knowing a more complete understanding that comes with time and age, and grace.
This was my experience this past Sunday. Let me give you the picture...
Matthew was away at the family camping trip at Ash Creek with his folks. Being the newlywed that I still am, I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. But something in me told me I needed to go to church that morning. At the time I just chalked it up to guilt for not being in church for a while. Yep, that's right... me, not being in church for a while. That's another story. But let's just say that I was bitter and frustrated with God, people, and most of all myself.
I was contemplating all this on the way to church. I came to a fuller realization of my own depravity... all the mistakes that I have made in my life... relationally, financially. How easily distracted I am when I pray. How I haven't been serving in the church in years. And as I was contemplating and praying, I got distracted by something and my mind rabbit-trailed. I said out loud in the car... "I think I must just be going crazy." And the Lord spoke to me in the midst of my depravity and insanity... "Your body and mind will fail, but I know your heart. Your heart is after me. I know you, and you know me. I will never fail you. I am bigger than all your mistakes and I am able to know your heart."
Now, I know all about grace. I've taught and preached on the subject. It keeps me going every day and inspires me to go overseas. Yet in all my years of knowing God and living in the church, I have never truly experienced forgiveness because I have never been able to fully embrace, accept, or even see my true depravity. As Jesus said "he who is forgiven much, loves much."
As I walked up the steps to the church, I felt burned. Each step was long and painful as I climbed up to the doors of the church. My soul was truly weary and I felt the weight of my sin and shame in a way I have never experienced before.
Not two minutes from the time I sat down in the sanctuary, the worship team began to sing about the Cross. I was overwhelmed. I began to sob uncontrollably. His grace washed over me. As I was sobbing, my body shaking, my spirit was transported to the throne room through a vision. Still shaking, I was collapsed at the feet of Jesus. There He was smiling, glorious on His throne... holding my son. He was older than the last vision I had of him... the one where Jesus said "I've got them, don't worry." Probably around a year old. (which is about right as he would be about 18 months if he had lived) my son reached out to me and Jesus handed him to me. Back at the Stirring, more overwhelmed by the grace of this moment. Despite my sin, my mistakes, my humanity, God's grace is sufficient. God's faithfulness to his promises exceeds my depravity.
Then the words came. Encouraging words. Directing words. Words of life. They came and they poured out and I journaled as fast as I could trying to capture each moment. But words are not enough... never enough for these moments. The words didn't stop until the end of the service when I left the building, and even then the transformation continued into the next day as I continued to contemplate the experience. Monday was a day of joy and freedom as the pressures of life were removed and the full realization of God's sovereignty and grace came to me.
The words: Moses, Joshua, David. This will be a long post, but bear with me... it will be worth it!
Sunday was an invitation into a new season of seeking God. Since I couldn't stay at the door of the temple (like Joshua), I've been avoiding it altogether, but it is time to come again and visit intentionally. The distractions are done, obligations finished, now it's time to return to the tabernacle and sit in God's presence.
I felt like Moses - I may be too old to enter the promised land, but I will see Indonesia turn to God before I die. Like David, it will be my son who builds the temple. I can prepare him and prepare everything he will need and train him. It is God's timing, God's plan.
The reminder: "There are things you can only hear from God in the secret place... Your life for God will never be greater than your secret life with God."
As EM Bounds said "God's man is made in the [prayer] closet. His most profound conviction is born out of the secret place."
The picture God gave to me was a larger picture. A picture of a legacy that I can leave to my children. If we prepare now for the next generation to lead revival, we can leave an amazing legacy just as David left for Solomon. This is a beautiful picture of God's grace and a great gift of encouragement to my soul.
This was my experience this past Sunday. Let me give you the picture...
Matthew was away at the family camping trip at Ash Creek with his folks. Being the newlywed that I still am, I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. But something in me told me I needed to go to church that morning. At the time I just chalked it up to guilt for not being in church for a while. Yep, that's right... me, not being in church for a while. That's another story. But let's just say that I was bitter and frustrated with God, people, and most of all myself.
I was contemplating all this on the way to church. I came to a fuller realization of my own depravity... all the mistakes that I have made in my life... relationally, financially. How easily distracted I am when I pray. How I haven't been serving in the church in years. And as I was contemplating and praying, I got distracted by something and my mind rabbit-trailed. I said out loud in the car... "I think I must just be going crazy." And the Lord spoke to me in the midst of my depravity and insanity... "Your body and mind will fail, but I know your heart. Your heart is after me. I know you, and you know me. I will never fail you. I am bigger than all your mistakes and I am able to know your heart."
Now, I know all about grace. I've taught and preached on the subject. It keeps me going every day and inspires me to go overseas. Yet in all my years of knowing God and living in the church, I have never truly experienced forgiveness because I have never been able to fully embrace, accept, or even see my true depravity. As Jesus said "he who is forgiven much, loves much."
As I walked up the steps to the church, I felt burned. Each step was long and painful as I climbed up to the doors of the church. My soul was truly weary and I felt the weight of my sin and shame in a way I have never experienced before.
Not two minutes from the time I sat down in the sanctuary, the worship team began to sing about the Cross. I was overwhelmed. I began to sob uncontrollably. His grace washed over me. As I was sobbing, my body shaking, my spirit was transported to the throne room through a vision. Still shaking, I was collapsed at the feet of Jesus. There He was smiling, glorious on His throne... holding my son. He was older than the last vision I had of him... the one where Jesus said "I've got them, don't worry." Probably around a year old. (which is about right as he would be about 18 months if he had lived) my son reached out to me and Jesus handed him to me. Back at the Stirring, more overwhelmed by the grace of this moment. Despite my sin, my mistakes, my humanity, God's grace is sufficient. God's faithfulness to his promises exceeds my depravity.
Then the words came. Encouraging words. Directing words. Words of life. They came and they poured out and I journaled as fast as I could trying to capture each moment. But words are not enough... never enough for these moments. The words didn't stop until the end of the service when I left the building, and even then the transformation continued into the next day as I continued to contemplate the experience. Monday was a day of joy and freedom as the pressures of life were removed and the full realization of God's sovereignty and grace came to me.
The words: Moses, Joshua, David. This will be a long post, but bear with me... it will be worth it!
Sunday was an invitation into a new season of seeking God. Since I couldn't stay at the door of the temple (like Joshua), I've been avoiding it altogether, but it is time to come again and visit intentionally. The distractions are done, obligations finished, now it's time to return to the tabernacle and sit in God's presence.
I felt like Moses - I may be too old to enter the promised land, but I will see Indonesia turn to God before I die. Like David, it will be my son who builds the temple. I can prepare him and prepare everything he will need and train him. It is God's timing, God's plan.
The reminder: "There are things you can only hear from God in the secret place... Your life for God will never be greater than your secret life with God."
As EM Bounds said "God's man is made in the [prayer] closet. His most profound conviction is born out of the secret place."
The picture God gave to me was a larger picture. A picture of a legacy that I can leave to my children. If we prepare now for the next generation to lead revival, we can leave an amazing legacy just as David left for Solomon. This is a beautiful picture of God's grace and a great gift of encouragement to my soul.
12 April 2010
Surgery Story
I truly have the sweetest sister-in-laws in the world! They both wrote to me at the same time today asking me why I was having surgery and how they could be praying. I know that I have been so busy that I just haven't had the chance to tell everyone what is going on! So, through their gentle reminders that I need to reach out and let my dear friends and family know what is happening, they have inspired me to record the story of this surgery.
Please bear with me as I endeavor to write down the whole story. I am sure that you know bits and pieces, but I hope to put it all together to hopefully make everything make a bit more sense. I am however, still under the effects of the anesthesia, so I am sorry for being wordy and possibly misspelling, etc... the world is still a bit foggy. :)
As you know, we have had three heart breaking miscarriages in the past year and a half. This has taken such a toll on my body as well as my mind, heart and soul! In the process of seeking out answers, the doctors discovered that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). This is a crazy disease and it effects women in many different ways and to varying degrees. One of the effects is insulin resistance much like pre-diabetes. I started taking a medication called Metformin to help with this part. The doctors say that it makes the cells in my body function better when I am on it because they are getting the nutrients and specifically, the sugar that they need to function. The problem is that this is a Class B drug, so it hasn't been proven to be safe during pregnancy, so as soon as I would get pregnant, I would have to stop taking it. They think this could be a contributing factor to the miscarriages because if my body isn't functioning properly without the meds, then of course it can't continue to support another life...
Another effect of PCOS is the weight gain and difficulty loosing gained weight. Since Matthew and I started dating, I have gained about 50 pounds and have been unsuccessful at loosing any of it despite diet and exercise. Obviously, weight gain can be detrimental to anyone's health and my body has suffered in many ways from this excessive and fast weight gain. Chronic fatigue, arthritis, depression, anxiety, chest pain, and possibly even sleep apnea (we haven't tested for it yet, but it is likely) are all side effects of the excess weight.
Thirdly, and most relevant to today's discussion, the PCOS causes my body to not flush itself properly during the monthly cycle. Because proper D&C's were never done after any of the miscarriages, my uterus was filled with layers and layers of junk. If the doctor had not seen this and dealt with it properly, it is possible that I would not be able to even get pregnant again because there would have been no safe place for the embryo to implant.
So, today's surgery was originally intended to clean out the junk left behind by the miscarriages and my body's inability to clean it out itself. Dr. Nasise performed the surgery. I had switched to him as my OB/GYN after the horrible way that Dr. Perry's office in Redding had treated me and the miserable experiences I had at Mercy Hospital. I heard such great things about St. E's and knowing how much of Matthew's family is connected there, I decided to switch to a Red Bluff doctor and Dr. Nasise was the only recommended OB who dealt with at risk pregnancies. My experience with Dr. Nasise, his entire office staff, and all the staff of St. E's has been phenomenal. I couldn't ask for a better experience.
Anyways, when I first went to Dr. Nasise in December to follow up after the last miscarriage, he sent me for some routine lab work and ultrasound. That is when he found the need to do a proper D&C. The pictures were not very clear, but he thought that it looked like there was a fibroid in the lining of my uterus. Since cancerous fibroids run in the family and they are known for causing miscarriages, he recommended the procedure known as a hysteroscopy. Rather than spend the next week explaining it, I will just recommend you look it up on the internet... wikipedia and webmd are very helpful.
Around the time of that first appointment, I noticed that the pain from the miscarriage wasn't abating. In fact, I was in near constant and excruciating pain in my entire abdomen area (and also down my left thigh, but I didn't know that the pain was related and the doctors continued to dismiss the pain as just a random muscle spasm). I suggested to Dr. Nasise during our pre-op visit the idea of testing for endometriosis since it also runs in the family and I had been in so much pain for so long. He agreed readily and scheduled the Laparoscopy for the same time as the Hysteroscopy.
Now, you want to know... if I was in so much pain from November/December until now... why did it take so long to have surgery? Money. When I wanted to originally schedule the surgery, Dr. Nasise's office said they wanted the full amount up front and even with insurance it would cost over $800! This amount would not include the hospital fees or anesthesiologist services. We just couldn't afford to come up with that kind of cash... So, once we moved in with our new family and were able to save money from rent and utilities, we were able to save a little bit, but by now we have also paid our insurance deductables, so the upfront cost went down to $200 and we were able to schedule the surgery.
We will know more after our post-op apt. on Thursday, but right now what we do know is that the doctor couldn't find a fibroid. He was able to clean out the uterus and did find some small amount of endometriosis which he took care of. This is an answer to prayer. I believe that God removed the fibroid but allowed the doctor to find the endometriosis so that I could have answers and find some closure after the miscarriages. Since the doctor didn't have to remove the fibroid, my recovery should be much quicker.
Thank you so much for your prayers. We continue to covet them as I am recovering and as we talk with the doctor on Thursday and ask him the hard questions about where do we go from here. We are still hoping that we will be able to start trying to have our own family very soon. Please pray for us as we continue to pursue this. Matthew has taken off time from work to be with me today as I recover and friends and the family we live with will be around to assist me as I grow stronger over the next few days.
Your notes and prayers are such an encouragement and a blessing.
I pray that all is well with your families. May you enjoy the beautiful life that God has given to you this week. I hope to talk with you soon and will send updates as soon as we know more from the doctor. Thanks again for your loving concern and for continuing to read my ridiculously long blogs!
Please bear with me as I endeavor to write down the whole story. I am sure that you know bits and pieces, but I hope to put it all together to hopefully make everything make a bit more sense. I am however, still under the effects of the anesthesia, so I am sorry for being wordy and possibly misspelling, etc... the world is still a bit foggy. :)
As you know, we have had three heart breaking miscarriages in the past year and a half. This has taken such a toll on my body as well as my mind, heart and soul! In the process of seeking out answers, the doctors discovered that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). This is a crazy disease and it effects women in many different ways and to varying degrees. One of the effects is insulin resistance much like pre-diabetes. I started taking a medication called Metformin to help with this part. The doctors say that it makes the cells in my body function better when I am on it because they are getting the nutrients and specifically, the sugar that they need to function. The problem is that this is a Class B drug, so it hasn't been proven to be safe during pregnancy, so as soon as I would get pregnant, I would have to stop taking it. They think this could be a contributing factor to the miscarriages because if my body isn't functioning properly without the meds, then of course it can't continue to support another life...
Another effect of PCOS is the weight gain and difficulty loosing gained weight. Since Matthew and I started dating, I have gained about 50 pounds and have been unsuccessful at loosing any of it despite diet and exercise. Obviously, weight gain can be detrimental to anyone's health and my body has suffered in many ways from this excessive and fast weight gain. Chronic fatigue, arthritis, depression, anxiety, chest pain, and possibly even sleep apnea (we haven't tested for it yet, but it is likely) are all side effects of the excess weight.
Thirdly, and most relevant to today's discussion, the PCOS causes my body to not flush itself properly during the monthly cycle. Because proper D&C's were never done after any of the miscarriages, my uterus was filled with layers and layers of junk. If the doctor had not seen this and dealt with it properly, it is possible that I would not be able to even get pregnant again because there would have been no safe place for the embryo to implant.
So, today's surgery was originally intended to clean out the junk left behind by the miscarriages and my body's inability to clean it out itself. Dr. Nasise performed the surgery. I had switched to him as my OB/GYN after the horrible way that Dr. Perry's office in Redding had treated me and the miserable experiences I had at Mercy Hospital. I heard such great things about St. E's and knowing how much of Matthew's family is connected there, I decided to switch to a Red Bluff doctor and Dr. Nasise was the only recommended OB who dealt with at risk pregnancies. My experience with Dr. Nasise, his entire office staff, and all the staff of St. E's has been phenomenal. I couldn't ask for a better experience.
Anyways, when I first went to Dr. Nasise in December to follow up after the last miscarriage, he sent me for some routine lab work and ultrasound. That is when he found the need to do a proper D&C. The pictures were not very clear, but he thought that it looked like there was a fibroid in the lining of my uterus. Since cancerous fibroids run in the family and they are known for causing miscarriages, he recommended the procedure known as a hysteroscopy. Rather than spend the next week explaining it, I will just recommend you look it up on the internet... wikipedia and webmd are very helpful.
Around the time of that first appointment, I noticed that the pain from the miscarriage wasn't abating. In fact, I was in near constant and excruciating pain in my entire abdomen area (and also down my left thigh, but I didn't know that the pain was related and the doctors continued to dismiss the pain as just a random muscle spasm). I suggested to Dr. Nasise during our pre-op visit the idea of testing for endometriosis since it also runs in the family and I had been in so much pain for so long. He agreed readily and scheduled the Laparoscopy for the same time as the Hysteroscopy.
Now, you want to know... if I was in so much pain from November/December until now... why did it take so long to have surgery? Money. When I wanted to originally schedule the surgery, Dr. Nasise's office said they wanted the full amount up front and even with insurance it would cost over $800! This amount would not include the hospital fees or anesthesiologist services. We just couldn't afford to come up with that kind of cash... So, once we moved in with our new family and were able to save money from rent and utilities, we were able to save a little bit, but by now we have also paid our insurance deductables, so the upfront cost went down to $200 and we were able to schedule the surgery.
We will know more after our post-op apt. on Thursday, but right now what we do know is that the doctor couldn't find a fibroid. He was able to clean out the uterus and did find some small amount of endometriosis which he took care of. This is an answer to prayer. I believe that God removed the fibroid but allowed the doctor to find the endometriosis so that I could have answers and find some closure after the miscarriages. Since the doctor didn't have to remove the fibroid, my recovery should be much quicker.
Thank you so much for your prayers. We continue to covet them as I am recovering and as we talk with the doctor on Thursday and ask him the hard questions about where do we go from here. We are still hoping that we will be able to start trying to have our own family very soon. Please pray for us as we continue to pursue this. Matthew has taken off time from work to be with me today as I recover and friends and the family we live with will be around to assist me as I grow stronger over the next few days.
Your notes and prayers are such an encouragement and a blessing.
I pray that all is well with your families. May you enjoy the beautiful life that God has given to you this week. I hope to talk with you soon and will send updates as soon as we know more from the doctor. Thanks again for your loving concern and for continuing to read my ridiculously long blogs!
11 April 2010
The Silence is Broken
hello?
is anyone out there?
is anyone reading this?
I just thought I would check and see if anyone is reading my posts...
it has been awfully silent lately...
Perhaps I am just feeling lonely and isolated because I am preparing for surgery and know that I will be cooped up at home for a few days. Perhaps I am just weary of fighting off the attacks of the enemy on my own.
I know that community is growing, but it feels like such slow growth!
Thank you to my friends and family who have been an encouragement in the past few weeks. I have needed your words of wisdom and your prayers. I have been so weak physically that I cannot muster the strength to pray. But there is hope. I believe that God will use this upcoming surgery to bring complete physical healing to my body.
This morning God spoke so clearly to me during worship that it brought me to tears. I have been wrestling through Richard Foster's chapter on the Prayer of Relinquishment in his book on Prayer.
Wrestling with God over His promises and my interpretations.
Wrestling about whether we will have our own family or if we will adopt.
Wrestling with the need to surrender my ideas about having my own children to God.
Please don't misinterpret me, I want to adopt children some day. I love adoption and I think it is a wonderful gift to give a child a permanent home and a hope that they wouldn't have otherwise. This is the call of the church. But I also feel very strongly the need to have my own children. This is not something I can explain. It is just a need. A desire that goes down into the depths of who I am as a woman. The instinct of motherhood.
As usual, the issue was to me black and white: do we adopt or do we have our own children? But God doesn't always deal with our lives in black and white. He meets us where we are in the land of grey. And I am so thankful for this! This morning he spoke so clearly to me that just as I was born into a relationship with Him, so would my child be born.
Now this may seem false to you because I was not born Jewish, so theologically speaking, I was adopted into the family of God. You say this because it is true, but you do not know my childhood experiences. I believe that some people on earth were born into God's family. They were like the prophets of old or John the Baptist. From infancy, they yearned for the presence of God and the experience of His work on earth. As children they witnessed miracles and were aware of the spiritual realm. They may have had a period of rebellion as teenagers, but they always knew that there was a special connection, a drawing them back to God as if they had no choice. As though, if they stopped believing in God, they would just cease to exist. This was my own experience. As a child, I talked with God as though he were my constant companion and a friend sitting beside me. We talked all throughout the day until no words were necessary, just a constant awareness of each others' presence. The way of God and the Kingdom of God were always in my thoughts and affected every action. I could not understand why anyone would not want to experience this life with God. How could they not believe in Him? How could He not be real? He was the air that I breathed, the water and food for my soul. Everything.
God's word to me today was a promise that this legacy will be passed on to my children. My birth children. This gift was so sweet it brought me to tears.
I am trusting God entirely. Surrender comes easier when you know who it is you are surrendering to. He is not only willing to bring to pass His promises, but He is able! What an awesome God we serve.
This week I am hoping to enjoy some community as I recover from surgery. But I am also looking forward to spending some time in silence with God. To just sit and listen to one another. To be reminded of the promises and to receive new ones. To heal... physically and spiritually and emotionally. It promises to be a good week. :)
is anyone out there?
is anyone reading this?
I just thought I would check and see if anyone is reading my posts...
it has been awfully silent lately...
Perhaps I am just feeling lonely and isolated because I am preparing for surgery and know that I will be cooped up at home for a few days. Perhaps I am just weary of fighting off the attacks of the enemy on my own.
I know that community is growing, but it feels like such slow growth!
Thank you to my friends and family who have been an encouragement in the past few weeks. I have needed your words of wisdom and your prayers. I have been so weak physically that I cannot muster the strength to pray. But there is hope. I believe that God will use this upcoming surgery to bring complete physical healing to my body.
This morning God spoke so clearly to me during worship that it brought me to tears. I have been wrestling through Richard Foster's chapter on the Prayer of Relinquishment in his book on Prayer.
Wrestling with God over His promises and my interpretations.
Wrestling about whether we will have our own family or if we will adopt.
Wrestling with the need to surrender my ideas about having my own children to God.
Please don't misinterpret me, I want to adopt children some day. I love adoption and I think it is a wonderful gift to give a child a permanent home and a hope that they wouldn't have otherwise. This is the call of the church. But I also feel very strongly the need to have my own children. This is not something I can explain. It is just a need. A desire that goes down into the depths of who I am as a woman. The instinct of motherhood.
As usual, the issue was to me black and white: do we adopt or do we have our own children? But God doesn't always deal with our lives in black and white. He meets us where we are in the land of grey. And I am so thankful for this! This morning he spoke so clearly to me that just as I was born into a relationship with Him, so would my child be born.
Now this may seem false to you because I was not born Jewish, so theologically speaking, I was adopted into the family of God. You say this because it is true, but you do not know my childhood experiences. I believe that some people on earth were born into God's family. They were like the prophets of old or John the Baptist. From infancy, they yearned for the presence of God and the experience of His work on earth. As children they witnessed miracles and were aware of the spiritual realm. They may have had a period of rebellion as teenagers, but they always knew that there was a special connection, a drawing them back to God as if they had no choice. As though, if they stopped believing in God, they would just cease to exist. This was my own experience. As a child, I talked with God as though he were my constant companion and a friend sitting beside me. We talked all throughout the day until no words were necessary, just a constant awareness of each others' presence. The way of God and the Kingdom of God were always in my thoughts and affected every action. I could not understand why anyone would not want to experience this life with God. How could they not believe in Him? How could He not be real? He was the air that I breathed, the water and food for my soul. Everything.
God's word to me today was a promise that this legacy will be passed on to my children. My birth children. This gift was so sweet it brought me to tears.
I am trusting God entirely. Surrender comes easier when you know who it is you are surrendering to. He is not only willing to bring to pass His promises, but He is able! What an awesome God we serve.
This week I am hoping to enjoy some community as I recover from surgery. But I am also looking forward to spending some time in silence with God. To just sit and listen to one another. To be reminded of the promises and to receive new ones. To heal... physically and spiritually and emotionally. It promises to be a good week. :)
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