Today my devotional reading took me to some amazing scriptures that I just had to share with you! I have been doing a Beth Moore Bible Study the past few weeks. Today's homework led me to Romans 8:38-39. I read it from the New Living Translation and it spoke volumes to me today. Let me read it to you...
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today, nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the power of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
The assignment was to replace the fears of Paul with my own fears so that I could confront them and also discover the truth that not even these fears which bind me can keep me from the unfailing Love of God. I have been so bound up by fear this week. With the bleeding during the pregnancy and not having a good OB/GYN and all the other things going on with this pregnancy and my history of miscarriage, I have been so fearful of loosing this child. I have prayed daily for her protection and health out of fear of loosing another child. But it wasn't just fear of loosing her... all my other fears were wrapped up in the birth of this child. The fear that I will never be a good mother... the fear that we will never be able to go to Indonesia and minister effectively... the fear that I am not as much a woman of God if I am not a mother... the list goes on and on...
Yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend Pearcia. This awesome woman of faith is such a blessing to me because she is not afraid to speak truth into my life even when it is uncomfortable. She brought these fears to my attention and told me very plainly that the enemy will only be able to take my child if I let him through my fears. I was beginning to understand a new part of God... that trusting Him means believing that He knows what is best for me and that His ways are higher than my ways. That his love is bigger than my love and His purposes for His children are beyond my understanding. That worrying cannot add one day to my life. This knowledge did not help me to overcome fear in one day, but it helped me to see God's goodness at the end of the long night...
Last night after two days of heavy bleeding and unbearable pain, we went to the emergency room. I knew that I was loosing the baby and there was absolutely nothing I could do but trust that God would get me through the night. As the doctor performed the D&C, peace and a huge sense of relief washed over me. I would no longer have to worry about this little one because she is in the arms of my loving Father God. She is not having to suffer in this world any longer. All my fears of not being able to survive another miscarriage collided with the truth that God is faithful and loving and stronger than any sadness or pain.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither grieving nor rejoicing, neither friends nor enemies, neither worries nor contentment, neither riches nor poverty, neither success nor failure will ever be able to separate me from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus my Lord."
As the pain slipped away and sleep came I was able to rest in a peace I have not felt for months. And this morning as I read today's devotional and did the Bible Study homework, God's gentle promises and faithfulness greeted me. My fears were confronted and I was overwhelmed with His love.
Only in death can there be life. This is the beauty and paradox of the Gospel. But it is good news. The promises of God bring new life. This word comes from Isaiah 55:10-11, again from the NLT.
"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it."
Last night I received a fresh brokenness and burden for the lost of Indonesia. I now see that my purpose is not wrapped up in motherhood or even any performance in ministry. God's love for me is unconditional and unfailing. And nothing in all creation can ever separate me from that love. AMEN!