31 January 2015

late night ponderings

tonight as i sat with amelia while she fell asleep, wild thoughts accosted my fragile, exhausted mind.
thoughts about our future. thoughts about my dreams and aspirations for amelia's future.
i had always pictured my life (since before i can remember) as a wife and a mom with a little house with a white picket fence and a dog. nothing fancy or special, but i wanted something i didn't have a lot of in my formative years: stability. the sense of being able to say where home is and to go there after a long hard day.  sure i had nice houses and was always well taken care of, but where we lived changed often, especially as i got older and life got complicated. i wanted amelia to have a sense of continuity in her education ... not moving from school to school like my brother and I did...
but tonight as i sat by her bed and watched her breathing slowly as she fell into a deep sleep, i realized that maybe i was wrong.  not wrong to want stability and a good life for my daughter, but perhaps... just perhaps... i could be wrong about what that stability should look like.
do i want her to be safe and comfortable in her community of friends and small town life? or do i want her to be comfortable in her own skin, sure of herself, of who she is and what she wants out of life?  do i want her to have a solid education without any gaps or do i want her to be educated, cultured, by experiences like travel, making new friends, trying new things?
i don't want to move around always trying to find the next best thing, always dissatisfied with where I'm at, never content. i want to learn, and eventually be able to teach and pass on the skills of being content in all situations, of adapting to new situations and being flexible with all life  throws at us.  i want to learn how to be a good traveler in life's journey and for my daughter to gain a love for adventure and an appreciation for the beauty and diversity in our vast and yet small world.
maybe this realization is really just me letting go a little of my idea of how things should be, a shedding of my old dreams and hopes for my family and an embracing of a new and possibly better future. we can't move forward until we've let go of the past. this is me. letting go. moving on. it's the best i've got and i'm praying it's enough.

1 comment:

  1. Erica, you are so beautiful! And PLEASE don't just see that as only a remark about your outward beauty; it was meant that your outward beauty is only surpassed by your amazing heart! The love of the Father is so apparent in your writing. I get so excited and blessed as I watch you grow in better understanding of the Father's heart through your longings and desires for Amelia's life. Your desire for your family to have a love and appreciation for travel, adventure and other cultures is a honorable desire! However, as you see things change around you remember that God ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, has something better in store for you! As you choose to walk with him with your hands open wide, He may mix things up on you!

    I have a great picture of you coming to the Lord with open hands showing him your dreams, hopes, and desires. He then tells you that he wants to spend time with you just being silly! LET JUGGLE! You start, a bit rocky at first- tossing your dreams, your hopes, and a few very fragile desires up into the air. You are getting very good at it! After a while of laughing and fun, you accidently dropped one of your desires and it cracked. Your heart stopped for a minute as you watched Jesus picked it up kissed the crack and smiled. NOW, MORE PEOPLE CAN SEE MY LIGHT. πŸ˜†πŸ˜™You choose to trust him and continue to juggle. Jesus then asks you to juggle with him. Sure, you nod your head, and begin tossing parts of your heart and life back and forth. After a while, as everything seems to be going well, Jesus smirks at you and asks if you're ready. Ready? For what? And then the things that you have trying so hard to keep from falling to the ground start to change! Your little hope starts to grow into something much bigger, a big dream grows bigger and you can't catch it when it's tossed back to you, so it hits the ground and a crackle pattern appears all over it and Christ's face lights up with the thought that so many will see him through such a big dream! Some desires have vanished only to be replaced by others. But you no longer care! You've let go of full control and now squeal with delight as you choose to trust all the wonderfully strange plans the the Father and Son and Holy Spirit have planed for you!

    Erica, I pray that your letting go of all that you've held on to, is not so journey filled with worry, fear, or lack of trust! Goh has some amazing things planned for you and your family!!!!!!!
    I myself am so excited to see what God has in store for all three of you!
    πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜€πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯ 🌺🌻🌼🌻🌺 πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’žπŸ’’πŸ’žπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’• 🎼🎡🎢🎢🎡🎢 πŸ’–πŸ’—πŸ’•πŸ’žπŸ‘ͺπŸ’žπŸ’•πŸ’—πŸ’–